Two sisters do housekeeping and cooking for their 98-year-old mother, but the mom refuses outside home care help, leaving one sister unable to travel. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in, and a reader provides suggestions from firsthand experience.
UPDATED JULY 1, 2026, WITH READER REPLY
Dear Eric:
My mother is 98. She lives independently in a condo, is mentally fully functioning, but can’t cook or do housekeeping anymore.
My sister and I take turns making her something warm to eat and my sister also does some light housekeeping. This takes one to two hours each day. My sister does this while her husband is at dialysis three times a week at a facility five minutes from my mother’s. He needs 24/7 care.
I am currently in fairly good health but have some medical issues that may eventually make it difficult/impossible to travel. This fall I would like to go to Europe for three weeks. I would like to have someone come three times a week while I am gone to take my place. I would have this person come in ahead of time so that my mother could get to know them and I could show them what needs to be done.
My mother does not want anyone other than my sister and me to care for her. My sister’s plate is already more than full, so I don’t want to add to it. Is it unreasonable of me to expect my mother to accept outside help?
– Perplexed in PA
Dear Perplexed:
It’s not unreasonable. Nevertheless, it may still be hard for your mother to accept. This is a system in which everyone is trying their best, but everyone is also being pushed to their limits. So, some flexibility is required.
Have a conversation as a family – you, your mother, and your sister – about the competing wants here. It may be helpful for her to hear this plan less as an ultimatum than as a problem to be solved together. Perhaps there is a family friend who can take your place while you’re gone, rather than relying on a stranger. Or perhaps there can be a mix.
Be clear with your mother about what you can and can’t do and ask her, given this reality, what are some solutions you could live with?
Reader reply for the elderly mom refusing outside help
Dear Eric:
I recently read the question from “Perplexed in PA” about the shared care of the mother between Perplexed and a sibling. Perplexed is wanting to go to Europe on vacation, but mom only wants the two children caring for her. One possibility to explore is to see if there is a care facility nearby that could do respite care during the vacation period, whether that’s an assisted living facility or a foster care home.
This could give Perplexed the opportunity for the vacation, and the sister to have some “time away” from caregiving for mom, as she already does 24/7 care for her medically fragile husband.
Such a solution would give mom a new perspective on her care. Obviously, mom needs to be given the options in this situation and allowed to make her own decisions, but those options can be framed in such a way that mom has to decide the option within the framework of allowing her children their autonomy as well. My wife and I took in her mom when she could no longer take care of herself, and we had a weekend away about once a month, plus a bit longer vacation each year. It took a while to find the right situation that met her needs.
If Perplexed’s mom is in a health care system, a social worker may be able to make some recommendations of a few facilities that could potentially help.
– Been There, Done That, Became the Favorite Son-in-Law
Dear Been There:
Thank you for this great suggestion. Respite care may be an option that empowers everyone involved.
What is professional non-medical home care?
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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