A woman is experiencing a delayed grief response to her mother’s suicide. Her family doesn’t want to talk about it, leaving her lonely, too. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My mother committed suicide 13 years ago. At the time, my father, sister and I did not really mourn her. We had been estranged from her for years, as she had become incredibly abusive and refused to get treatment for her severe alcohol abuse and bi-polar disorders.
She also did it three weeks before my wedding, so I, at least, tried to put my confused feelings about her death on hold.
Over a decade has gone by, and I am now in intensive treatment for major depression, anxiety, PTSD, alcoholism and my own suicide attempt. Now that I have some distance from the worst of my illnesses, I find that I want to grieve for my mother: for the person she was before her sickness got out of control, and for the person she could have been if only she had sought help instead of ending her life.
However, my Dad and my sister don’t want to talk about her. I want to respect their feelings. But I miss my Mom, and I don’t want to grieve on my own. Or maybe I just want to know that they would have grieved for me if my own suicide attempt had been successful.
How do I talk to my family about this without causing them more pain? Or should I just let it go?
– Confused and Grieving Daughter
Dear Daughter:
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and the incredibly painful impact her suicide has had on your life. You’re right to process your grief. Dealing with this delayed grief, acknowledging your feelings, and, if possible, seeking to remedy them will help you. Though your sister and your father aren’t in the same place, emotionally, or aren’t ready to do this work, you don’t have to do this alone.
While processing with family is sometimes helpful, it can be very beneficial to talk with a therapist or grief support group that will allow you to express whatever complicated emotions come up without having to negotiate around another person’s feelings.
Even though you share memories of your mother with your family, your perspective will always be unique. Start to document what you’re thinking and remembering, whether through journaling, art, scrapbooking or another means.
You may find that your father and sister’s resistance to talking about her ebbs in time. Give them the space to process this in the way that works for them. Remember that their relationship with you is different from their relationship with her, and you’ve found ways to make different choices from the ones she made. Because of this, the three of you have a future together and there may come a time when they feel able to talk about it with you.
If you or someone you know is in crisis or considering suicide, call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org for free, confidential support.
Related: Steps to Ease Grief
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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