A part-time and independent wheelchair user has adjusted to being independent while asking for help when needed. A friend threw a monkey wrench into his comfortable routine, insisting that h is grandson help. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
The other day, my teenage grandson was staying with me. He was sitting on the couch as I was leaving the house with a friend. When I got to the door, I picked up the garbage bag to take it to the alley behind my house. Before I could do it, my friend asked my grandson to take the bag out instead, which he willingly did.
I had actually been looking forward to taking a stroll through the backyard to check out my garden. I have a disability, and don’t often feel like doing it, but if I hadn’t, I would have asked my grandson to do it myself.
My friend told me later that she thought my grandson should have gotten up and taken the garbage out without being asked. I disagreed with her.
As a part-time wheelchair user, I can honestly say that I’ve often been offered more “assistance” than I want with things I can do for myself. I understand that people are basically nice, they want to help, but don’t know what to do unless you ask them, so I have no problem asking.
In addition, neither my grandson or I was raised to look for ways to help other people, and I’m not sure why. My friend, on the other hand, has a gift for doing for others, and probably had plenty of home-training to reinforce it.
So, who is right here? Should I expect more from my grandson (and myself) in the helpfulness department? Or should I just chalk this up to different types of upbringing and hope that people like her will take up my slack? And if we need to learn how to be more helpful, how do we do that?
– Look for Helpers
Dear Helpers:
The important distinction here is that you didn’t want the help, so while your friend’s impulse was a kind one, it wasn’t what the situation called for. She read your grandson’s inaction as rudeness. But from your letter it seems that he accurately interpreted your need in the moment.
Your relationship seems to work for the two of you; indeed, you write that you have no trouble asking him for help when you want it. But you’re also teaching him to respect other people’s autonomy.
You might talk to him about household responsibilities and your own needs and set him up to be more proactive about asking if you want help. This will, in turn, teach him to ask others. Communicating about how you live together is going to grow your relationship with each other and his relationship with the world.
Everyone he encounters, regardless of their ability, is going to have different wants and needs. You’d do him a great service to keep encouraging his capacity for empathy by sharing your experience and leaning on him when you need to.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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