Two sisters do housekeeping and cooking for their 98-year-old mother, but the mom refuses outside home care help, leaving one sister unable to travel. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My mother is 98. She lives independently in a condo, is mentally fully functioning, but can’t cook or do housekeeping anymore.
My sister and I take turns making her something warm to eat and my sister also does some light housekeeping. This takes one to two hours each day. My sister does this while her husband is at dialysis three times a week at a facility five minutes from my mother’s. He needs 24/7 care.
I am currently in fairly good health but have some medical issues that may eventually make it difficult/impossible to travel. This fall I would like to go to Europe for three weeks. I would like to have someone come three times a week while I am gone to take my place. I would have this person come in ahead of time so that my mother could get to know them and I could show them what needs to be done.
My mother does not want anyone other than my sister and me to care for her. My sister’s plate is already more than full, so I don’t want to add to it. Is it unreasonable of me to expect my mother to accept outside help?
– Perplexed in PA
Dear Perplexed:
It’s not unreasonable. Nevertheless, it may still be hard for your mother to accept. This is a system in which everyone is trying their best, but everyone is also being pushed to their limits. So, some flexibility is required.
Have a conversation as a family – you, your mother, and your sister – about the competing wants here. It may be helpful for her to hear this plan less as an ultimatum than as a problem to be solved together. Perhaps there is a family friend who can take your place while you’re gone, rather than relying on a stranger. Or perhaps there can be a mix.
Be clear with your mother about what you can and can’t do and ask her, given this reality, what are some solutions you could live with?
What is professional non-medical home care?
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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