After the friend who was her health care proxy became ill, a woman changed to a new proxy. Should she tell her friend? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am an 85-year-old woman with a 55-year-old daughter. I have a friend I’ve known for 60 years. She’s married. I get along fine with her spouse.
She is my oldest friend and golf buddy and has been my health care proxy for a long time. She recently came down with debilitating cancer. Subsequently, I have developed serious heart issues. I have changed my health care proxy to another friend who is younger and would be able to coordinate with me, the doctor, hospital and my daughter. I don’t want my friend to have to carry the burden of making health care decisions for me.
My problem: How/should I tell her of the changes I have made to my proxy? How do I tell her? Or should I? She is asking me questions about my health status, so I know it is on her mind.
– Healthcare Dilemma
Dear Healthcare:
You should tell her so that she’s on the same page and knows how to best support you. You’re being kind by considering what’s going on in her life and you can lead with that. You’re worried that coordinating your healthcare needs might be too much to ask for her as she navigates cancer and you want to relieve her of some of that responsibility so that she has the capacity to attend to her own treatment. Tell her that this isn’t about anything she’s done nor is it a reflection of a diminished opinion of her. Tell her how much she and her friendship mean to you and suggest that you can both find other ways to continue caring for and supporting each other, just as you’ve done for the last 60 years.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Like this advice about changing health care proxy, read more life guidance, from caregiving in a marriage, not receiving thank yous, lonely caregivers, and more:
Boomer Advice for Life department
For advice targeted to senior adults and their families – caregiving, grandparenting, retirement communities, and more:
Asking Eric on SeniorsGuide.com
