After a decades-long friendship, a woman withdraws because of medical problems. Now, this same dying friend refuses contact, and the remaining friends wonder what they can do. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
UPDATED JUNE 3, 2026, WITH A READER REPLY
Dear Eric:
Three of us attended high school together and remained close friends for many decades, even though we sometimes lived quite far from each other.
A few years ago, “Beth” had some medical problems that were exacerbated by COVID, and she had to retire unexpectedly from a fulfilling job. She fell into a deep depression and withdrew from us. We kept in touch with her family, who updated us about her ups and downs. They let us know that it wasn’t just us. She isolated herself from everyone, even some of her own family. She tried therapy and anti-depressants, but nothing seemed to work.
We sent gifts, cards of encouragement, emails, texts. Nothing has been acknowledged for at least a couple of years. Our last phone calls were over four years ago.
Her grown son, Michael, has just let us know that Beth has a terminal illness. He has been wonderful about keeping us informed about her condition, but is dissuading us from contacting his mother, who has remained firm in her desire to remain isolated from friends. I might add that Beth’s immediate family is very caring and supportive, so she’s not lacking help and comfort.
It is heartbreaking to lose this friend of 60 years without saying goodbye, telling her how much she has meant to us and letting her know that we cherish years of treasured memories.
Do we remain silent or reach out? So far, we’re just taking cues from Michael.
– Two Left Behind
Dear Left Behind:
My heart aches for Beth and for you; what a terrible situation all around. I think you’re going to need to express your goodbye one way or another, even if you don’t express it directly to Beth, per her request.
Start with a letter. You’re grieving and those feelings need somewhere to go. Write her a letter telling her what she’s meant to you, reflecting on the memories you’ve shared and expressing what you’re feeling now.
You may find that the act of writing alone meets the need that you have. But, if you’re still wishing for another way to say goodbye, reach out to Michael and ask if he’ll simply receive the letter for you. He can honor his mother’s wishes by not sharing it with her but there still could be something healing in simply making the gesture.
You might also let Michael know that if he ever wants a fond remembrance of his mother, he is free to read them. This goodbye could help his grief as well down the road.
Reply from a heartbroken reader
Dear Eric:
Having been involved in the caretaking of several friends or members of family who are in the process of dying, I found the letter from “Two Left Behind”, about two friends who were being shut out of their third friend’s end-of-life process, heartbreaking.
Some of the people I have worked with want friends and family around as much as possible and seem to only be limited by their own energy and awareness. They don’t want to die alone, but rather to be surrounded by those who can give them support and love.
At the other end are those who want to “go out” in a much more private manner, not alone necessarily, but with a very limited number of people, mostly family. I know for a fact one of those people didn’t want others to remember her as she looked when she was sick. Another had spiritual “work” to do. And another was just so mad, she really only tolerated those who could offer care and services, so different from her earlier healthy days when she was the life of the party and known for her positive outlook on life.
I guess what I am asking “Two” is to understand that dying is a very personal thing and it is best to remember the good times you have had with the person and try not to focus on why you were left out of the dying process, which is often a rollercoaster itself. Each person handles it on their own terms – some with fear, some with hope, some with silence, some with activity, some just don’t want people to see them sick. But it is a time to let them finish their time here on this planet as they may.
I encourage people to focus on the good memories and friendships that they were able to live together.
– It Is Never Easy or Simple
Dear Never Easy or Simple:
Thank you for this very wise perspective and important reminder. In a similar vein, I found the book “The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments” by hospice nurse Hadley Vlahos to be extraordinarily enlightening.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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