Dynamics have shifted in a group of long-time friends when they travel together: one friend has physical issues and another feels obliged to take on the caregiving chore. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
A group of us in our 70s have been going on trips every year for 25 years, but I haven’t enjoyed myself the last couple of years because I have a difficult time not feeling that I need to be a caretaker to one person in our group who has major physical issues. I am constantly watching to make sure the person is safe.
At my age, it is also physically exhausting to be responsible for someone else’s physical needs. A couple of the other people help, but a few seem clueless unless given specific instructions as to how to help.
I have tried being less of a caretaker, but it is just in my nature. I can’t seem to turn it off. Being on high alert to help meet someone else’s needs inhibits my ability to relax and enjoy myself. I want to back out of the trips, but I also want to maintain my friendship with the group.
– Not Fun
Dear Not Fun:
I’m curious about what the person who has physical issues thinks about this. Is the responsibility that you’re assuming something that this person has asked for and/or something that you and this person agreed upon? It may be the case that there are mismatched expectations here that can be sorted out with a conversation.
You might tell this person that you’ve been trying to keep them safe on group trips and ask if that’s something they feel the need for. If so, you could then share that the responsibility is overwhelming you and ask that you create alternatives together. This empowers your friend and could present an opportunity for your friend to proactively lean on other people in the group.
After 25 years of friendship, it’s normal for relationship dynamics to change. It’s also normal for your wants and needs to change. It’s possible that the annual trips aren’t meeting you where you are anymore. Consider taking a year off and see how you feel. This doesn’t close the door on your connection to the group but could allow you to get some needed perspective that will inform your next step.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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