After years of working hard to prepare for retirement, a senior woman is ready to downsize, but her son isn’t – he and his family won’t move out of her house. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I’m a senior with three grown kids. After divorcing young, I rebuilt my life, earned a degree and worked hard to save for retirement. Two of my children are independent, but my third child, with his family, still lives in my house despite many conversations and arguments about moving out.
This prevents me from selling my home as planned, forcing me to use up my savings for my relocation to a different home.
I feel manipulated. I’m ready to downsize and just want peace in retirement.
I am considering hiring a realtor and attorney to move forward, though I am concerned this will hurt my relationship with this child. Am I wrong for prioritizing myself now?
– Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You’re not wrong at all. To be frank, it’s imperative that you make a change in this situation. You write that you don’t want to hurt your relationship with your child, which is understandable, but it seems clear that the relationship is already hurting. You’re not being respected or heard; this isn’t healthy for anyone.
He may not want you to sell the house for a myriad of reasons, but you are the homeowner and it’s the right choice for you. He should respect that and support you in your next step, rather than arguing with you.
You don’t write whether your child is paying into the mortgage or paying you rent, although I suspect this isn’t the case since you also write that you’re using up your savings. It is absolutely fair for you to say that this isn’t working for you, emotionally or financially, and so you’re making a change. Your child is not a minor. He can and should be responsible for providing for himself (and his family). You can help, of course, but this seems to go beyond help, especially because it’s hurting you.
Contact the realtor and tell your son that you’ve decided to move forward. This doesn’t need to be a discussion. If your child would like to purchase the home from you, that’s great. But be firm about your decision to leave.
You have already discussed this at length, and it doesn’t seem that your child can be collaborative about this. This puts you in an impossible position. He may continue to feel angry about it, but you can’t be held captive by his anger. That emotion is his responsibility, as well.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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Like this advice about when you’re ready to downsize but your family isn’t: read more life guidance, from setting boundaries in family care, receiving unsolicited help, delayed grief, changing health care proxy, and more:
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