A retired man’s friends are making unrealistic requests, asking favors beyond reason. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I’m a senior who’s getting tired of friends my age wanting favors and assuming I’ll do more than I want to do.
Some friends are becoming increasingly needy, wanting me to take them to doctor’s appointments, outpatient surgeries and grocery stores and to act as handyman.
I’ve started setting boundaries, standing up for myself and saying, no I cannot do that.
They frequently want to debate or talk me into it. It’s hard to have to stand my ground and it makes me uncomfortable and resentful.
What’s going on? I’m feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated as a friend. Can you provide some perspective on this? Maybe I’m not even seen as a friend, just someone they can use. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
– Team Player
Dear Team:
It’s good that you’ve been working on setting and holding boundaries. Some may think that boundaries, or even the word “no,” create fissures in relationships. But the truth is boundaries help to keep relationships healthy and safe. To wit, in your case, the feeling that your needs or capacity haven’t been considered has led to resentment, so a boundary is necessary to keep resentment from growing.
The debate is concerning. Your friends may be taking you for granted, or they may think that your “no” isn’t a hard no. They may also be focused on the enormity of their own needs and unable to make space for yours. It can be very disempowering to get to a place in life where one needs help getting to appointments or doing household tasks they once could do with ease. It can be frightening as well. It’s likely a relief to have a friend who is available to help. Your friends may not have other people to whom they can turn.
This isn’t to say that you should simply grit your teeth and bear it. Quite the opposite; if it’s become burdensome or you feel unappreciated, the healthy thing to do is to pause and make sure that you and your friends are hearing each other clearly so that no one gets overwhelmed.
This might mean you only make some of the trips and help them think of other friends who can lend a hand.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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