An elderly mother is depressed and her adult child feels guilty, helpless, and hopeless. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
UPDATED July 30, 2026, with two reader replies
Dear Eric:
My 93-year-old mother is in an assisted-living facility. She has been there for two and a half years. Her decline began when she lost her brother with whom she lived. She has not been able to deal with his death and has lost the will to live.
She stayed with me for one month following his death but wanted to return home so I agreed on a trial basis. I need to mention that she takes many medications, one of which she needs every four hours. I have been managing her meds for years.
Six months after she returned home, I found her unresponsive because she OD’d on one of her meds on purpose. She will not accept a health aide coming to her home because she says they steal from you.
I couldn’t risk taking her back to her home and she didn’t want to live with me, so she said she wanted to live in assisted living. I sold her house which she agreed to at the time and now she regrets it.
Now she is miserable there and she has the beginning of dementia. I cannot bring her to my home because of her medication needs and the need for someone to watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t harm herself.
Now my mother is depressed and all she does is cry. She is putting the guilt trip on me, and I am having a hard time dealing with this. What can I do to feel better about this situation, and am I doing the right thing by keeping her there?
– Feeling Guilty
Dear Guilty:
I’m so sorry for the situation you and your mother are in. It’s important for you – and for her – to remember that a lot of this is beyond anyone’s control. You’re making the best choices available to you. Your mother may not always like those choices, but you’re not acting out of malice. Emotionally or cognitively, she may not be able to fully process this. That’s something you may have to accept, just as you’ve accepted and accommodate her other health challenges.
Talk to her care team at the assisted-living facility or her primary caregiver about getting her support for depression. You write that she never fully recovered from her brother’s death and that she made an attempt on her life. Her grief may be overwhelming and making her current situation even worse. These aren’t things that you can take away, unfortunately, but there is help available for her.
Reader replies to ‘Feeling Guilty’ and her depressed mother
Dear Eric:
In the letter from “Feeling Guilty” I could hear the voices of all of my families. I’m a home hospice nurse, and anyone who has had to place a family member in a setting other than home feels this exact same way.
One option that I would recommend for FG to explore would be group homes in their area. A group home is a private home that is set up for people like the letter writer’s mother to live, where caregivers are there 24/7 to manage medications, cook, clean, assist with personal care, et cetera. The cost is usually a little less than an assisted-living facility, and they are bound by the same licensure and care standards as any ALF.
FG can find a list of these places from the local aging services division. The homes work with all outside care providers like home health or hospice.
The most important part of choosing a home is going and touring them; the vibe is very individual and very important. Mom definitely needs to be in on the tours so that she can get the feel of them.
Be aware that most group homes have a significant population of seniors with dementia; it helps to know that going in, because it can explain the behaviors that you will see there. They also do not have the same roster of activities for the residents; this may be a factor for FG and their mom.
– Hospice Nurse
Dear Nurse:
Thank you for this very comprehensive recommendation.
Dear Eric:
“Feeling Guilty” was suffering with her mother’s unhappiness in assisted living. Your advice to work with mom’s care team and primary care doctor was totally correct. But I’d also spend some time at the facility getting to know the other residents to verify whether they are generally feeling happy and safe. Getting to know the care team is also truly helpful. You may learn that mom is putting on a show for the family and is fine with everyone else. Perhaps relocating mom to another facility would be prudent if she’s truly miserable.
I’d also suggest that reframing her thoughts might be healthy for Guilty.
Making the hard decisions is, unfortunately, a part of the role of a caregiver. Guilt kind of goes with the territory. She should give herself a hug, remind herself that she’s doing what’s best for mom and learn to turn off the voices making her second guess everything.
– Caregiver Sympathy
Dear Sympathy:
The suggestion of getting to know the facility is a good one. While the mother is grieving a loss of autonomy, it’s important for the caregiving daughter to make sure that the care she’s receiving is of the quality she expects.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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