An elderly mother is depressed and her adult child feels guilty, helpless, and hopeless. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My 93-year-old mother is in an assisted-living facility. She has been there for two and a half years. Her decline began when she lost her brother with whom she lived. She has not been able to deal with his death and has lost the will to live.
She stayed with me for one month following his death but wanted to return home so I agreed on a trial basis. I need to mention that she takes many medications, one of which she needs every four hours. I have been managing her meds for years.
Six months after she returned home, I found her unresponsive because she OD’d on one of her meds on purpose. She will not accept a health aide coming to her home because she says they steal from you.
I couldn’t risk taking her back to her home and she didn’t want to live with me, so she said she wanted to live in assisted living. I sold her house which she agreed to at the time and now she regrets it.
Now she is miserable there and she has the beginning of dementia. I cannot bring her to my home because of her medication needs and the need for someone to watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t harm herself.
Now my mother is depressed and all she does is cry. She is putting the guilt trip on me, and I am having a hard time dealing with this. What can I do to feel better about this situation, and am I doing the right thing by keeping her there?
– Feeling Guilty
Dear Guilty:
I’m so sorry for the situation you and your mother are in. It’s important for you – and for her – to remember that a lot of this is beyond anyone’s control. You’re making the best choices available to you. Your mother may not always like those choices, but you’re not acting out of malice. Emotionally or cognitively, she may not be able to fully process this. That’s something you may have to accept, just as you’ve accepted and accommodate her other health challenges.
Talk to her care team at the assisted-living facility or her primary caregiver about getting her support for depression. You write that she never fully recovered from her brother’s death and that she made an attempt on her life. Her grief may be overwhelming and making her current situation even worse. These aren’t things that you can take away, unfortunately, but there is help available for her.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Like this advice on helping a mother who is depressed, read more life guidance – from a friend’s caregiving chore, financial ruin due to elder care, dying friends, and more:
Boomer Advice for Life department
For advice targeted to senior adults and their families – caregiving, grandparenting, retirement communities, and more:
Asking Eric on SeniorGuide.com
