After a lifetime of healing from issues caused by her mother’s mental health problems, a daughter is struggling with setting boundaries in caring for her mother, who’s now in her 80s. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My mom has always suffered from mental health challenges. She’s coped in life by using other people to take care of her in many different ways. She was unavailable to parent me other than meeting basic physical needs.
She was never abusive, but she never helped me grow into a functional adult. I spent my early and mid-adulthood doing that for myself, with a lot of therapy and my own destructive path to account for.
I’m in a good place now, in my mid-60s, though I have my own mental health challenges. My mom is in her late 80s and overwhelmed by trying to care for herself.
She refuses assisted living. She has a good income from a pension that will last her entire life, but her poor spending habits have left her in a precarious financial position. I won’t spend my own limited savings to bail her out. I don’t want to resolve anything with her anymore; I want to limit my involvement with her as much as possible.
I assist her in making choices about how she can arrange care for herself, but I no longer offer to be involved in her care. I’m considering asking for an evaluation to have her be appointed a guardian by the court, although I think she would be judged capable of making her own care decisions.
I know that I have to prioritize my own well-being, and I also know that I’m failing her. It’s an impossible place to be. Wondering if you have any comments.
– Difficult Position
Dear Position:
It sounds like you’re doing the hard but necessary work of holding a boundary to protect yourself. To not do so would risk both of you being overwhelmed, possibly to the detriment of your mother’s care and your own mental well-being.
It also sounds like, given your history, you may not be the best person to assist in some cases. You may want to intercede, despite the trauma you’ve experienced, but it may be better for your mother if you let professionals who don’t have as much emotional entanglement step in.
Have a conversation with her about the needs she’s expressing or that you’re seeing, and guide her to others who can assist, whether that’s a senior manager, a social worker, an in-home aide, or someone else. Your local department of aging will have resources; her doctor may as well.
It’s key that you’re honest with her – “This is more than I can handle. We have to acknowledge the reality of what’s needed. What do you want to do?” If she can be an active participant in her own decision-making, she should be. This may go against her nature, but that’s not a problem you can or should solve. Help is available; she has to want it.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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