A son is frustrated that at his parents’ move more than 1,000 miles away and tells them so. Now they aren’t talking to him. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in on the family conflict.
Dear Eric:
My parents, in their 70s, have decided to move from New England, where our whole extended family lives, to Florida, where no one in the family lives.
When they told me, I told them that I hope they did not expect me to take my limited time off and financial resources to bring my whole family to visit them on a regular basis. I also said not to expect to rely on me in the event of an emergency.
I was clear with them that they are deciding to move away from us, their entire social support system, and we should not be expected to bear the burden of their decision.
I should note that this sort of thinking is very much in line with the type of thinking they raised me with: individual responsibility and living with the consequences of one’s actions.
They took my response very poorly and are not speaking to me.
My siblings have all told me they are 100% in agreement with me but have not admitted that to our parents. Am I out of line to expect my parents to walk the talk they raised us with and for being frank with them about my opinion?
– Honest Son
Dear Honest Son:
From your description, the comments seem to be an outsized reaction to your parents’ decision. They come across as harsh. But – as with so many things in families – it’s very likely that the comments aren’t just about the decision. Is it possible that the frustration you’re feeling is rooted in some other part of your relationship with your parents and it’s coming to a head with this move?
Obviously, without more information it’s not clear. So, let’s talk about what’s generally true.
Your parents are free to move wherever they want to move. Obviously, any move impacts the whole family, but if you’re taking it personally or seeing it solely as a burden, it might help to ask them about their reasons and what benefits they hope to derive from relocating.
You also might ask what they plan to do in the event of an emergency or whether they’ve made plans to return for visits. There’s no guarantee that they’ve thought that far, but as a family you can discuss what everyone hopes will happen and come up with a plan that works for all.
You’re entitled to your opinion. But in this case, it doesn’t seem that sharing your opinion is going to get you what you want. So, try another form of communication focused on understanding and finding solutions.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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