A senior woman and her husband discussed their end-of-life wishes with their grown sons, and one son insists it be done his way. Just who is a funeral for? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
Because I am getting older (80 this year), my husband and I, who have been attending funerals more frequently lately, have begun discussing our funeral/burial wishes.
We have shared some of these with our three married sons. The oldest seems to think that the funeral is for those remaining, and I should not have much to say about it. Although I have expressed interest in being cremated, he wants me to have an open coffin and wake. He also vehemently objects to some of my chosen songs for the service because he doesn’t like them. He means well, but he also wants his way.
Though I know he loves me dearly, he is very stubborn. My fear is that those left behind, if I die first, will have to deal with this. I don’t want alienation and discord in our close family, and the last thing I want is anger and contention at what can be a loving closure to life.
– Mourning Mom
Dear Mom:
While your son’s actions may be coming from a place of love, they’re also coming from a place of control. Now, he may be trying to control his own fears about your mortality, but – inadvertently or not – he’s also disempowering you and dismissing your wishes for your own burial, which is not an act of love.
You should decide which aspects of your end-of-life plans are ones you can release, and which are non-negotiable. At the very least, you should have the burial plan that you want. You can do this by documenting your wishes in writing, including choosing which family member you’d like to be responsible for carrying out your wishes. It may not be him.
You can even include your wishes in an advance healthcare directive or will (with the caveat, that a will may not be accessed in time, so this would be more about making sure your wishes are recorded).
Then have a discussion with all of your children about it. This doesn’t avoid potential conflict, of course. But by making this a public, and group, conversation in which your wishes are clear, you can redirect some of your oldest son’s pushback. You don’t have to be beholden to his wants. He is not the last word. And if he can’t do this for you, in a way that respects you, you can – with love – place the responsibility elsewhere.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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