A son is concerned about his aging parents’ anxiety issues, despite their many positive qualities. Advice columnist Asking Eric offers his insights. UDPATED Aug. 20, 2025, with a response from a reader who can relate.
Dear Eric:
My now-retired parents are terrific people. They’re interesting, kind, hardworking and A++ grandparents. My wife and I marvel at how instinctive, capable and giving they are with our two young boys.
That said, every year that goes by, their anxiety reaches new heights.
It seems like a classic case of having very little to fill the void of what their careers once were. It makes it exhausting to spend more than a day or two at a time with them, as the ticks and ruminations start mounting and, eventually, corroding every interaction.
All the lights must be turned off in the house 24/7, unless there’s a very good reason to turn them on. Ordering dinner is anywhere between a one- and two-hour ordeal.
It’s stuff that’s not only decreasing their quality of life, but in turn, affecting my relationship with them. I’d sooner disengage than have another circular discussion about their HOA’s landscaping decisions.
I know the bunny slopes advice: Have an honest conversation. Express loving concern. Use “I feel” language. Blah, blah, blah. Do you have any black diamond takes on how to kindly broach the topic with them? Obviously, no one wants to be parented by their children.
– Grateful Son
Dear Son:
Black diamond? Accept it. Their experience of the world is changing and while some of it may be cause for concern (more on that in a second), other aspects may simply be quirks in personality that come with age and stage. They’re great parents and grandparents, so give them some grace. Turn off the lights if they don’t want them on. Listen to the HOA talk. We have such a finite amount of time with each other.
That said, if you’re concerned that their anxiety is indicative of some larger issue, tell them. “These are the things I’m seeing. Do you see this as an issue as well? Would you be open to talking to your doctor about it? Can I come along as your medical advocate?”
Anxiety manifests itself in a number of ways and it is treatable medically, holistically and spiritually. But you’ll have to let go of your judgment of it in order to have a conversation that feels safe for them. Think of it less as parenting your parents, and more as making room for vulnerability on all sides. (Also, the bunny slopes will still get you to the bottom of the mountain safely, so don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.)
Response to aging parents’ anxiety from “Another Grateful Son”
Dear Eric:
In response to “Grateful Son,” who is concerned about his parents’ anxiety.
My parents developed anxiety as they became older and, like Grateful Son’s, their anxiety increased with age. My aging parents’ anxiety was difficult. Most troubling to me was that I looked at my parents and became concerned that I was seeing my future. Whether through nature or nurture, I became concerned that I likely received a full dose of their anxiety for my future life.
My advice to Grateful Son is that there may be little that you can do for your parents’ future but there is much that you can do for your future. I visited my physician, explained my concerns and started a very low dose of a very mild anti-anxiety medication.
The first medication that we tried was far too strong, but we found something that seems to be working. I do not want to develop the same anxiety. Grateful Son’s parents may have shown a glimpse of his future and given him the time to create a better future.
– Another Grateful Son
Dear Grateful:
One of the many gifts of being connected to older relatives is the knowledge of how genetic predisposition can shape our lives. It gives us empathy for the older adults – and can help us think creatively about remedies or adjustments they’re not seeing. It can also help us make informed choices for ourselves.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Check out more wisdom in Seniors Guide like aging parents’ anxiety issues, including a son wishing his parents would plan ahead, a granddaughter’s dementia grief, and patience for a recovered alcoholic’s partner.