At 75 years old, a man recognizes that he and his wife are codependent and he would be better offer without her, but he is hesitant – and too old – to leave. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am 75 years old. My wife and I have been married for 45 years. My wife suffers from treatment-resistant depression and/or bipolar disorder. My wife has been undergoing treatment of various kinds for 30 years without success.
Mental health professionals and close friends have told me that my wife is damaging my mental health and advise me to leave. I have not left her because I vowed not to do so, and she is dependent on me. She would be devastated.
I feel compassion for her but not love or respect. Counselors tell us that we are codependent, and I think that is correct. They say that in refusing to abandon my wife, I am abandoning myself.
I would like to have a healthy relationship before I die. I also have not left because I am afraid to. I am 75 years old and have no family to fall back on, just friends.
– Self-imprisoned
Dear Self:
I’m so sorry for the suffering that you and your wife are enduring. It’s hard on both of you. And it may be the case that your marriage has been transformed out of a loving partnership by the pain of her illness and the strain of caregiving.
I’m curious if the friends and professionals who are telling you to leave have helped you think through what leaving looks like. How would this work, where would you go, what would you do? There are ways for a couple, codependent or not, to acknowledge that what they have isn’t working and make a plan for both of them to transition to a different arrangement. But it takes more than packing a suitcase.
You may benefit from the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, and also working with a marriage and family therapist who is adept at helping codependent couples. Whatever your future holds, you don’t (and shouldn’t) do it alone. You may feel that your wife has depended on you too much in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean that its future is yours alone to determine.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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