A woman is worried that her 95-year-old mom has withdrawn from family interactions. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I’m writing to ask if you have any insight as to what is going on with my mother. She is 95 years old and still physically capable, although after she broke her hip and had surgery to repair it last December she uses a walker.
She still reads, does crossword puzzles, and plays bridge and Scrabble.
The issue is that she has withdrawn from any personal interactions with me and my sisters. She never asks about us or has any in-depth conversations about anything. Phone calls with her last about one minute before she ends with “well, have a nice day.”
She may have some memory issues, but I think she’s probably still sharp as she still plays the games, et cetera. It seems she just uses us (me and my sisters) to run errands and entertain her by playing Scrabble with her.
She used to be so much fun and was so good to talk to. I get that she’s old, but it seems like she’s going through the motions with us and doesn’t love us anymore. She won’t answer questions about her personal feelings with us or her doctors.
– Missing Mom
Dear Missing:
Though this change in your mom’s demeanor is hard for you to navigate, try not to frame it as a lack of love for you. I don’t know her mind, of course, but malicious intent or apathy are less likely causes than a shift in your mother’s cognition or in her emotional state.
It’s possible that she is depressed, as can happen to all of us and often comes about after a major medical event. It’s also possible she’s experiencing some cognitive challenges. The game play may require less of her than maintaining conversation. It’s also possible that her outlook on life has simply changed with age and she’s just not as interested in conversation as she once was.
Talk to her doctors about depression screenings and your concerns about her demeanor. But, as you’re taking those necessary precautions, also try to accept your mother for who she is right now. She may not have as much to say, but it seems she still appreciates having you around.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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