Both of their adult children have moved far away, and the parents consider following their grown kids by moving to be closer. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My spouse and I are in our late 60s. Our two kids are in their late 30s. Two years ago our oldest moved more than 2,100 miles away with our two grandkids. They had been talking about it for a while.
Then, out of the blue, our youngest child moved more than 800 miles away six months later.
We don’t have much family near us. We are retired and have a second home in the same state as our oldest is living in and our youngest fiancé’s family lives there, too.
We are thinking about moving permanently to be closer to our oldest and grandchildren. We would even see our younger child more. I have heard you shouldn’t follow your kids. We miss them all so much and aren’t getting any younger. Your thoughts? Is this a big mistake?
– Sad Parents
Dear Parents:
It doesn’t seem like a mistake at all. Indeed, because you already have a home there, it seems like a very graceful solution.
The advice about not following grown kids is often about not abandoning your life and support systems and assuming your kids will fill in the gaps. It requires a little more nuance. All of it boils down to clear communication and clear expectations.
It’s natural to want to be with family and when your situation changes or your priorities change, it’s natural to want to respond to that change. So, talk to your kids about what you’re thinking about doing. Think through what your life would look like if you spent all your time in your second home. What kind of expectations would you have about spending time with your kids and their families? Talk through those with your kids to see if their expectations match up with yours.
A family is an ecosystem. When one aspect of that ecosystem changes, it affects everything else. You’re free to move wherever you want to move, but it’s important to do so with clear eyes about how your life will be different. It’ll also help to think about what you can do to fill out your schedule and your support system, should you choose to move permanently. It’s good to talk about this with your kids, as well, so that they don’t assume you’ll be babysitting 24/7 or they don’t assume they’ll have to entertain you all of the time.
Related: The pros and cons of moving in with your adult children
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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