A grandmother sends “love boxes” to her son and his family for holidays and birthdays, but now she is discovering that one of her thoughtful packages remained unopened. Advice columnist Eric Thomas and a young mother respond to the grandmother’s gifting gripes.
Dear Eric:
I am a very loving grandmother with family on the West Coast. I live on the East Coast. I make every effort to reach out to my son’s family. I purchase books, clothes, candy, school supplies, toys for every holiday and birthday. I wrap up and mail these “Love boxes” involving time, effort, thought and expense.
I am stunned and beyond hurt when my son told me that they got the Easter Bunny Box but didn’t open it. Instead, they packed up and went on vacation.
There’ve been no complaints about past gifts. I must add that my son’s wife is very controlling and for some reason doesn’t like me. I must add that I include a gift for her in the box.
I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I don’t get it. My middle grandson has a birthday soon. What am I to do?
– Insulted Grandmother
Dear Grandmother:
The hurt and frustration you’re feeling is reasonable, but it’ll be helpful for you to right-size the offense here. You sent the gift as a way of reaching out and showing your love and while your expectation about the present’s reception wasn’t met, is it fair to assume that the Easter box did eventually get opened by a grandchild? Is that something that you can confirm now?
Additionally, is it possible that your son and his wife chose to delay opening the box until they returned from vacation so as to minimize packing chaos with kids? I’m not trying to advocate too much on behalf of your son here. However, it seems that there are some fuzzy details on both sides of the relationship between you and him and it can be easy for all of us to fill in the blanks in ways that aren’t actually helpful.
In short, though they may not have intended to slight you, the truth is that you feel slighted. The next step is finding a place to meet in the middle and clarify what’s unsaid or unclear on both sides.
Have a conversation with your son about your gifting gripe and the presents you send. Try to come at it from a place of openness and curiosity about what kind of relationship you can build. For instance, you might say that it’s hard to be so far away from him and you’re trying to find ways to feel connected.
You might suggest that when you send love boxes, the family could schedule a time to FaceTime or Zoom with you as they open them. You should also ask if the love boxes continue to be a good way of showing up in your grandchildren’s lives or if there are other things that they want or need.
The relationship with your son’s wife is a separate issue, but one you can also address proactively with her. If you’d like to be closer, you can ask for that. Ask if there’s something between you that you can work together to resolve. Use “I” statements and try to avoid placing blame. The goal here is mutual understanding rather than score-settling.
A young mother replies to grandmother’s gifting gripes
Dear Eric:
As someone with two small children, a small home and a preference for minimalist living, I found myself sympathizing with the son and daughter-in-law here referenced in the letter from “Insulted Grandmother,” who was hurt that her family didn’t immediately open one of the “love boxes” of gifts she sent.
A large box full of candy, toys, school supplies, books and gifts for every holiday might feel loving to the sender, but for some families it can also feel overwhelming, especially when they are already deep in the chaos of parenting young children. Opening and managing a large package of “stuff” before leaving for a vacation honestly sounds more stressful than joyful.
I don’t think the grandmother’s intentions were bad at all. In fact, they sound loving and generous. But sometimes we show love in the ways that would feel meaningful to us, rather than in the ways the other family actually needs.
For some families, a thoughtful card, a scheduled FaceTime date, reading a book together virtually, or even a simple check-in might feel far more supportive and relational than frequent packages. Children do not necessarily equate love with volume of gifts, and many parents today are actively trying to reduce clutter, overstimulation, and consumerism.
Grandparent relationships are incredibly valuable, but they are strongest when they feel emotionally safe, flexible and responsive to the actual rhythms and needs of the family.
– Right-sized Gifts
Dear Gifts:
This is beautifully put and wise. It’s easy to get our feelings hurt when gifts aren’t received in the way we want them to be, particularly when those gifts are to family. Asking what’s helpful, what’s needed and what’s manageable goes a very long way in assuaging those gifting gripes.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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