A teenager is saddened by her cherished grandmother’s dementia and is torn between the pain of visiting and the guilt of not visiting. Advice columnist Eric Thomas suggests ways she can manage this dementia grief.
Dear Eric:
I’m a sophomore in high school and I read your column in the Seattle Times. My grandma has dementia. Over the past year, we’ve noticed more and more signs and convinced her to move into a nursing home a few months ago because we can’t provide the constant care she needs.
She’s at a more advanced stage now and can’t walk or feed herself, and she forgets who we are sometimes, which is hard for all of us. I love her so, so much and she was such a big part of my life, but now I can barely get through visits without breaking down.
I hate seeing her like this and I’m finding myself avoiding visits because I can’t face seeing her in a wheelchair and being so confused. She doesn’t have a lot of time left and I don’t want to regret not seeing her more, but I don’t know how to get through the visits. I feel so guilty, but I don’t feel brave enough to go. Is there anything I can do?
– Loving Granddaughter
Dear Granddaughter:
The grief we feel when a loved one develops dementia can be incredibly complex. I’m so sorry for what your grandmother is going through and what you’re experiencing. Right now, you’re likely grieving the aspect of the relationship you’ve lost, as well as what’s going on in the present. You may also be feeling some grief about what’s to come. That’s a lot – past, present, and future all coming together in every visit to the nursing home. So, please try to grant yourself some grace. This is hard and sometimes bravery looks different.
Regret about not spending more time with a loved one, or not spending the right kind of time, is complicated, too. It’s something we can rarely control, but which we can guide in a different direction. Before you visit your grandmother, remind yourself that if your grandmother doesn’t remember you, that’s not the full truth of your relationship. Pull up photos or videos that bring to mind times that felt happier for you. This phase is a part of her journey – and your shared journey together – but it’s not the whole story.
When a loved one is nearing the end of their life, we can sometimes develop an “all or nothing” feeling. As if the way we respond is the only thing that’s going to matter or the only thing we’ll remember. That’s not true, but it takes work to reinforce that internally.
This is a time for you to communicate where you are and what you’re feeling with your parents and other loved ones. You can also reach out to a counselor at your school, if one is available, or look up dementia or grief support groups online. You’ll find that you’re not alone and you don’t have to navigate this on your own. Take the time you need, be gentle with yourself, and hold on to the full arc of your grandmother’s story.
Reader’s reply to loving granddaughter’s dementia grief
Dear Eric:
I have a few words of encouragement for the young lady whose grandmother had developed dementia (“Loving Granddaughter”). My mom passed away 20 years ago from Parkinson’s disease and dementia.
I am in my late 70s now, but I remember my experience like it was yesterday.
This loving granddaughter should visit her grandma as much as possible. Take that time to learn all about her grandma. Talk with her and ask a lot of questions about her life.
While mom was alive, we thanked God for the time she spent with us. Her life was much more interesting and fascinating than I ever knew. Her childhood, her adolescence, her marriage to my dad, their families, the world during her life, and much more. It gave me great insight into mom’s thoughts, life and her dreams.
Interestingly, the staff at the nursing home told us that we were quite unusual in visiting mom every day because many families never visit their elders but rather dump them off and leave them. Embrace this time and give thanks that you have this time with her before she is gone. God bless this young lady for caring for her grandma so much.
– Loving Son
Dear Loving Son:
This is wonderful advice. Many readers responded to the letter in similar ways. Others suggested using photo albums or music to start conversations or pull back older memories, which may be more graspable to more recent events. One reader also suggested the book “Creating Moments of Joy” by Jolene Brackey. I’ve found it to be a wonderful resource.
Related: Understanding and Managing Dementia Grief
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Check out more wisdom in Seniors Guide, like a granddaughter’s dementia grief, patience for a recovered alcoholic’s partner, fear of uncertainty, and a nosy friend.
INITIALLY PUBLISHED JUNE 9, 2025. UPDATED JULY 11, 2025 WITH THE READER’S REPLY.