As we get older and our bodies seem to let us down, we find ourselves griping about ailments, as friends chime in and share theirs. Is it OK to talk about our health or should we keep our complaints to ourselves? Is it fair for younger adults to criticize their elders for such conversations? Seniors Guide writer Terri Jones went looking for answers and found the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Yesterday at lunch, your best friend spent much of your time together talking about her plantar fasciitis. Last week, your neighbor chewed your ear over the backyard fence about the hip replacement he needed. And you’ve been bellyaching about an itchy rash that you can’t seem to get rid of.
Sometimes it feels like health problems are all we talk about with friends, family and even complete strangers these days. Why is this? And is it OK to talk about our health so much?
Health can be all-consuming
Who can blame us when just about every morning something new is hurting or malfunctioning? The realization that our bodies are betraying us can be all-consuming and overwhelming. Plus, as we age, we may have fewer things filling our lives – the kids are grown, our careers may be behind us, we may not yet have found new hobbies, and friends have moved away or even died. With our bodies breaking down and our lives shrinking, taking care of our health can be our top priority. It may actually become like a job.
Dr. Louise Aronson, a professor of medicine at the University of California-San Francisco and author of Elderhood: Redefining Aging, Transforming Medicine, Reimagining Life, believes that it’s ageist to criticize older people for talking about their health. She compares it to young parents talking about their kids. People simply talk about what is front and center in their lives.
Talk about our health as a way to connect
That’s not the only reason illnesses, surgeries, and mysterious symptoms fill our conversations. Talking about our health challenges with our peers can also help us to bond and empathize with them.
“In our social groups, discussing ailments is an easy common ground, similar to how younger people bond over work or hobbies,” explains Martin on Quora. “Talking about our health is not always about seeking sympathy; sometimes it’s simply about being heard and feeling less alone in the face of life’s challenges.”
Akua K. Boateng, Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based psychotherapist, agrees: “It’s important to share the burden. We have a basic need to have a tribe around us when we’re going through difficult times.”
A valuable resource
The medical community, of course, should be our first line of defense in diagnosing and treating our medicalissues; however, sometimes our peer group can be insightful, too. By sharing their own experiences, treatments, and outcomes, our friends can sometimes direct us toward what might be causing those nagging aches and pains and possibly even offer solutions for what’s ailing us.
“My friends and I are all problem solvers,” writes Barbara on Quora, “so talking about our ailments isn’t just moaning and groaning. It’s about finding different options to treat or cure our problems.”
Enough is enough
Commiserating about our aches and pains can bring us together and give us unique insights into what’s ailing us, but there has to be a limit to this never-ending monologue. Even the most scintillating conversation about sciatica gets old after a while, particularly if we’re not talking to someone our own age.
“Endlessly ruminating over health problems must be one of the worst things you can do for your health. It’s boring, and it throws the relationship out of whack …” opines Rachel McAlpine in her blog post about health talk. “I do have a private rule: no more than five minutes per meeting per person may be spent discussing health problems, whether they be bunions or cancer.”
Not to mention, when we spend too much time focusing on these negative things in our lives, we may forget about the positives … how our grandchild just said their first word, finding a designer bag at our favorite thrift store, or even that delicious chicken parmigiano we had at our favorite restaurant. Not only do our friends and family need to know that we have good things going on in our lives, but we also need to keep these encouraging moments top of mind to get us through our trials and tribulations.
In fact, Dr. Aronson advises her patients who obsess about their health to take a lesson from those who choose positivity instead, telling them that “people who focus on the positive are happier and healthier and live longer.”
So, the next time you meet up with a friend, think about one exciting, rewarding, or even just pleasant thing that you’ve experienced recently and try to tell your friend about that first. That way, if you start talking about your health or other frustrations in your life, you won’t miss also recounting those uplifting bits of news. Your conversations will feel a little lighter and upbeat … and so will you!
