Soon after their late-in-life marriage, a husband suffered a debilitating illness. Now the husband can’t travel and the wife feels stuck, guilty, and hopeless. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My husband and I have been married 10 years. I’m 84 and he is 75 now. My vision was to travel a bit and enjoy retirement. Two years into the marriage he started falling, after many neurologist visits and many medical tests it is severe neuropathy. He cannot walk or drive, he works out three times a week in an effort to maintain what mobility he has.
I work daily to keep him motivated and supportive. Nevertheless, I want to travel. I want to be free. I don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated. Do I stay with him, or do I leave and go my own way? I feel so guilty when I think this way, but this is not what I signed up for. I don’t know what to do. Please, help me.
– Stuck Wife
Dear Wife:
No one knows what they’re signing up for when they begin a relationship, particularly marriage. We are all almost guaranteed to be presented with unexpected challenges. Part of the solution involves accepting what we cannot change. But an equal part involves knowing when and how to reach out for help.
So, there are other options besides leaving him and staying stuck. First, it’s helpful to acknowledge that this is not what he chose. It’s a hard situation for both of you, in different ways of course. It’s OK to acknowledge that this is not how you saw your life going. Preventing yourself from doing so will just lead to resentment, which will poison your marriage.
Next, have a conversation with him about bringing in help that will allow you time to travel and refresh yourself. That might look like a home health aide, a friend or relative, or someone else, depending on the specific needs he has. Ask him about his feelings on the matter. He may well want you to pursue this part of your dream.
Traveling involves coming back. It’s possible that some of the guilt and frustration you’re experiencing stems from feeling trapped. There are some aspects of his health challenges that are keeping you both from the lives you wanted. But take a lesson from the way he works out regularly to maintain mobility. He can’t do exactly what he wants but is doing what he can. You can, as well, while still maintaining a connection to and caring for someone that you love.
Reply to Wife Who Feels Stuck
Dear Eric:
I can empathize with “Stuck Wife” who wrote about wanting to travel but feeling stuck at home with a husband suffering from neuropathy. I am a caregiver for my sister, who is in a wheelchair, and felt disappointment at not being able to go to all of the places I wanted to visit for so many years.
However, I found that many of the places I’ve wanted to visit have now become wheelchair accessible, and we’ve been able to travel (though it does take an extra step of calling ahead to make certain points of interest are wheelchair accessible).
If the letter writer’s husband is willing to rent an electric wheelchair or scooter, perhaps “Stuck Wife” can still travel with her husband. No, she won’t be able to climb Mt. Everest with him, but he can possibly still kayak, raft, zip line, visit museums or lie on the beach or next to her at the pool drinking wine and watching the sun go down. There’s always a way to make it work.
– Seeing the World
Dear World:
Yes! This is a great point. Changes to physical mobility may impact how we engage with the world, but they do not necessarily mean that the world is completely cut off.
Related: Vacation Ideas for Wheelchair Users
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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