A woman is worried about her friend’s driving skills and concerned for her own safety as a passenger. Advice columnist Eric Thomas helps her navigate the problem.
Dear Eric:
My friend and I are in our mid-70s. We participate in several activities together – a book club, a continuing education class, et cetera. We often carpool together. I have begun to be very alarmed about my friend’s driving habits. She brakes unexpectedly, veers across the center line and seems quite distracted. I’m more and more reluctant to get in a car that she is driving, as I actually think I might be in danger.
How do I handle this situation? Her husband of more than 50 years is probably unaware of her driving habits, since I believe that he always drives when they are in the car together. I’ve been coming up with excuses to drive separately, but I would happily take her as my passenger, if she didn’t insist on returning the favor.
– Nervous
Dear Nervous:
It’s crucial for your safety, her safety and the safety of everyone else with whom she shares the road that you speak with her directly about this before you next get in the car together. Even if you choose not to ride with her again, you should still have the conversation. It can be kind and non-judgmental, but it’s important for you to point out the dangerous driving habits you’re noticing. You’re not reprimanding her, even if she takes it as such. You’re expressing concern.
It can be hard for any adult to receive critique about their driving. They don’t make car horns sound pleasant for a reason. Honestly, I really wish that all adults had to retake their driving test every 10 years or so. (And, please, I don’t need feedback on the feasibility of my plan. I’m not running for public office on this platform. Quite simply: our cars need tune-ups and so do we. It’s reasonable to think that some of the lessons we learned at 16 might slip our minds as adulthood goes on.)
You might be the first person in your friend’s life to ask her to think critically about her driving skills. Expressing your concern gives her the opportunity to be more present, to seek improvement or to drive less or not at all, if that’s what’s deemed appropriate. In the meantime, by having this conversation, you also open the door to give her rides without reciprocation.
Learn more from the Seniors Guide two-part series on driving concerns and older adults:
Part 1: Time to Stop Driving
Part 2: Action steps to take when driving skills decline
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Check out more wisdom in Seniors Guide like worries about a friend’s driving skills, including a query on whether to cut an estranged daughter out of the will, dealing with a gray divorce, concern for parents’ anxiety, a son wishing his parents would plan ahead