A woman has recently been left out of family gatherings. She’s hurt and fears that matters will get worse when their 90-year-old parents pass. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am a woman in my 60s with six siblings. Our parents are in their early 90s and have raised us to be thoughtful and respectful. Many of my siblings are female and have always gotten along famously, traveling together on girls’ trips and seeing each other for holidays and family celebrations.
In the past few years, it seems I’ve been forgotten. There are many occasions where I’ve been “accidentally” left off of invite texts for pool days and other things. They seem to pair off and plan trips, of which I am not included. I was once offered to join a week prior to the trip, needing to make plane reservations and other arrangements last minute.
Once I was invited to join them and sleep on the pull-out couch for a week. I declined. Today, I walked in on a conversation and asked what they were talking about. The look on my sisters’ faces having to share that they’re planning a trip said it all. They danced around the awkwardness of being discovered and assured me they would plan something so great that I’d want to join.
It’s very hurtful considering one of them is my twin. How do I navigate the betrayal? Should I instigate a conversation asking why I’m not included? I fear that when my parents are gone, we will have nothing in common, and I will be cut out completely.
– Odd Sibling Out
Dear Sibling:
Because you’ve traveled together before and because you live close enough to be able to walk in on them talking, a conversation is the right next step. You’re allowed to feel disappointed, hurt and even betrayed. And you can tell them that, using “I” statements, as in, “when I heard that you were planning a trip, I felt hurt that I wasn’t invited.”
This conversation can lead to the big question: what happened? It may be that they’ve started to appreciate a different style of travel or a different way of planning. But as adults, and as your siblings, they can be upfront about it. It may be a solvable issue. Or it may simply be quirks of personality. Either way, you deserve more than you’re getting.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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