Her husband’s appearance after his illness became sloppier, and he gained weight without altering his clothes size. The embarrassed wife reached out to advice columnist Eric Thomas for guidance.
Dear Eric:
My beloved husband of more than 40 years has become something of an embarrassment. He has always been careful with his appearance (almost in the vain category). About six years ago, he had a serious illness with dangerous surgery but made an excellent recovery.
Afterward, his weight loss became weight gain and now, instead of the athletic physique he has always maintained, he has a large gut. He will wear T-shirts that are too small and when seated, part of his naked middle is exposed for all to see.
I can tolerate this at home, but not when we are around other people. I have tried gentle reminders that these shirts are too small, mentioning how embarrassed I am, but it makes no difference. He also wears ill-fitting pants in his former waist size which exaggerate the problem.
Otherwise, he keeps up his lengthy morning regime of careful grooming as in the past. His doctors have suggested he lose weight, but nothing has changed. Can you offer any advice so we can socialize without me cringing?
– Loving But Mortified
Dear Loving:
Sometimes with loved ones and friends, the healthiest but hardest thing to do is to say, “this is where he is right now” and to accept that. You don’t have to love it; you don’t have to like it; some aspects of it can still pose a question in your mind. But, by saying, “this is where he is right now,” you acknowledge that he’s on a journey and it may not be going as fast as you want it, but you’re along for the ride.
It would be surprising if your husband wasn’t having a little trouble adjusting to his new physique, particularly since it developed after a serious illness, which can be traumatic. There have been a lot of life changes in the last six years, internally and externally. Buying new clothes may feel like an acknowledgment that his life is different or his body is responding in a different way than it has previously. That takes time.
So, when you feel that cringe coming on about your husband’s appearance after his illness, try to redirect it into compassion. Sure, it doesn’t look good to you, but is it a crime? It’s not something he’s doing out of spite – not that I think you’re seeing it that way, but it might feel a little like that since you’ve brought it up to no avail. See if you can remove your own feelings from his clothes.
Lastly, you also might want to buy him some new clothes in a new size. You can leave out the embarrassment about the too-small clothes and let these gifts stand on their own. Hopefully, he feels good in them; that’s what’s most important.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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