These rejected parents have attempted to reconnect with their daughter without success. Now they’re ready to cut their estranged daughter out of the will – but can they? Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My husband and I have four children; our eldest has cut herself out of our lives for almost 15 years now. I’ve tried to reconnect with her, and our three grandchildren, on three different occasions with a lot of pain and upset.
Initially, everything was targeted at me and, eventually, it was all the fault of us, her parents. She wasn’t ever loved or supported by us, always having to look after her brothers. The story grew legs when she discussed us with my family and my husband’s family, so neither family speaks to us.
I found this very upsetting as I had given up work after my second child was born. Recently, we were on a flight and my son-in-law and grandson were on the same flight. When he was getting off the plane, he made sure we didn’t get to see our grandson, who wouldn’t recognize us anyway.
We’ve grown used to just trying to get on with our lives as best we can. Looking at making a will, we’re not sure if we can completely cut her out of our will to avoid her inheriting anything of ours. We’re not flush with money but we get by.
I just can’t stand the thought of her ever having anything of mine/ours. Am I being over the top?
– Rejected Parents
Dear Parents:
This doesn’t strike me as over the top. Wills are often used as extensions of the relationships we have in life. So, it makes sense that your will would reflect the fracture in your relationship with your daughter.
Some people also use wills to try to express the inexpressible or unsaid. But intentions can be misunderstood with no way of clarifying. While making this decision about the will may resolve some questions you have about your legacy, it may not give you closure or resolution.
As described, the treatment you received was cruel. While the pain of it can’t be fully remedied, you may find some solace – and eventually something like closure – in focusing on your own healing, rather than remaining preoccupied with the will. In the book “Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children,” Sheri McGregor references a 2011 study that showed that the feeling of reflecting on past rejections can be interpreted by the brain in the same way as physical pain. Reading books like McGregor’s and talking to a therapist who has experience with family estrangement may help you to, as you write, get on with your lives. It won’t be the same, but you may be able to proceed with less pain.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Check out more wisdom in Seniors Guide like this query on whether to cut an estranged daughter out of the will, such as dealing with a gray divorce, concern for parents’ anxiety, a son wishing his parents would plan ahead, a granddaughter’s dementia grief.