A brother has been caring for his toxic older brother and really wants the nephews to step in to help their dad. Advice columnist Eric Thomas and an experienced certified nurse assistance weigh in.
Dear Eric:
My toxic alcoholic brother is two years older than me; we are both around 70. Over the last 20 or so years he has been estranged off and on from various family members, including our parents (now deceased), his children and me.
We currently have a civil relationship, but we are not close.
His mental and physical health has been in decline, and I have had to respond to his medical emergencies several times because we live in the same town and his two sons live out of state.
One son has a strained relationship with him at best and the other son will have nothing to do with him. He is getting close to the point where he will need to move to an assisted living facility and he will need some assistance with choosing a place, managing the finances (he has the income but is careless with money) and eventually moving into the facility where he can get more care.
Although I do not want to totally abandon my brother, I wrestle with having the burden of continuing to help him with these life issues. I have a good relationship with his sons, but I feel like they need to step up and get more involved, despite all of the history and baggage they have with their father. I have plenty of reasons to be resentful of my brother, but I feel an obligation to be of some support because no one else will do it. Frankly, I’m tired of being “good ’ol uncle Fred” but my nephews seem just fine letting me handle everything. What can I do, or am I stuck with this?
– Worn-out Brother
Dear Brother:
It’s fair to express these feelings to your nephews – and to your brother, if he still has the mental capacity to process what you’re saying. These aren’t petty complaints. You’re feeling the weight of being a caretaker and you’re asking the family unit as a whole “how are we going to handle this?”
Next steps, for you and for your nephews, can look different depending on each individual’s capacity and on your brother’s financial status. You may find, for instance, that he’s in a position to hire a senior life manager or financial guardian and thereby reduce some of the decisions that need to be made.
Your nephews may set a boundary for how much they can or want to help their dad. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to fill in all the cracks. Indeed, it will be helpful for you, also, to figure out where your boundaries are and where you need to step back and call in reinforcements, be it a relative, a professional or some other form of assistance.
A certified nurse assistant shares a resource
Dear Eric:
I just read the letter and response from “Worn-Out Brother,” whose senior citizen sibling suffered from alcoholism and needed medical care that his sons weren’t providing. I used to work as a certified nurse assistant in an assisted living facility, so I know how difficult these situations can be. And I’d like to offer some resources.
The Administration for Community Living’s Eldercare Website (eldercare.acl.gov) is the single best resource for those who are aging and need any kind of assistance. You just type in your ZIP code, and it will show your local offices. They can provide care-based needs assessment, find case managers, explain local options, and offer help with Medicaid.
I hope this helps.
– CNA Who Gets It
Dear CNA:
Thank you for this very helpful letter. The website is quite comprehensive. Caregiving can come with so many questions. You’ll be a help to many.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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