After 40 years of taking care all the household chores, a wife asks her husband to help – but his “help” is sloppy and inadequate. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in on the marital stress over chores.
Dear Eric:
After doing all chores and maintenance around the house for 40 years, I advised my husband he must help. Not sure if it’s a benefit or curse.
I give instructions as to how things work best, and I swear he purposely refuses to follow through. He’ll run the dishwasher when it’s only a quarter full. He did the laundry, but he stuffed the machine without separating colors. Then he has the kazoos to tell me that since he’s taken over things are better.
If he vacuums, he never moves anything, just goes around a cat toy or his shoes. One day he said he’d clean the bathroom, I thought that’s nice. Not. He put the toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet and walked out. When I asked about the rest of the toilet, sink, countertop, bathtub, mirror, floor and garbage, he became ugly and said I’m nuts that it’s not necessary.
He’s 79 and I’m much younger, but the stress of his complacency is overwhelming. He’s become a crabby, stubborn, mean, old man. I never understood when Grandma would complain about Grandpa because he was so nice to me, but now I see how wives become mothers to old husbands and they become stressed, overworked, unhappy spouses. How do I fix this?
– Messy House
Dear House:
It sounds like you could use a third party here to help diffuse some of the marital stress over chores. This might be a friend who can help you decide what cleaning tasks are most important to you and can perhaps walk him through modifying the way he does it, or a couple’s therapist who can help you communicate better.
A lot of the valid frustration you’re feeling is pent up from 40 years of not having your efforts matched by his. So, while it wasn’t fair that you were doing all of the home maintenance, you may want to temper your expectations around him changing immediately. I’m not saying this is right or that he can’t change. I’m saying that he should have done this earlier and no amount of dishwasher loading is going to make up for the fact that he hasn’t addressed that imbalance.
So, I suggest that you talk with him about how you felt and ask him if he understands, then talk about what’s going on with the chores now and ask him his perspective. You may find that there are some chores that you’ll never see eye-to-eye on. It’s up to you to decide if you’re happier having it done or having it done the way you do it. But addressing what happened in the past will help you both clean up the present situation.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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