Caregiver criticism – i.e., judgment from outsiders – can make a difficult responsibility even more challenging. Seniors Guide looks at the problem, from both sides.
Caregivers have a huge burden on their shoulders. They certainly don’t need the burden of other people’s judgment heaped on top. However, many family members, friends, and even strangers often feel free to criticize how these unsung heroes handle their loved one’s care.
Emma Heming Willis is the wife of actor Bruce Willis, who has been diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia (FTD). She recently experienced caregiver criticism after she spoke openly in an interview on ABC about her decision to move her husband out of the family home and into a nearby residence. This living arrangement allows the retired actor to receive 24/7 care from professionals while minimizing the impact on their young daughters’ lives. The proximity of the two homes makes it easy for his family to remain very involved with Willis’ care.
Opinion vs. experience
While many of those who watched Heming Willis’ interview felt that she did the right thing for her husband and praised her transparency, others viewed her decision as abandonment and questioned her motives.
Heming Willis responded to the caregiver criticism in a video on Facebook: People with an “opinion are ‘quick to judge’ the caregiver. This is what caregivers are up against: judgment from others.”
She also added, recounting advice she had received from her therapist, “Nothing changes an opinion quite as powerfully as when you have an experience … If they don’t have the experience of this, they don’t have a say, and they definitely don’t get a vote.”
Danged if you do, danged if you don’t
Caregivers who seek outside help for their loved ones aren’t the only ones who feel judged. Even those who choose to provide fulltime care are sometimes reproved for doing too much, for not giving their loved ones the benefit of professional help, and for not taking proper care of themselves, as well as a plethora of other judgments.
Years ago, when her husband, Bob, was a healthy younger man, Joan made a vow to never put him in a nursing home. Now that her 86-year-old husband has vascular dementia, she plans to honor that commitment and has been caring for him at home – with very little help from professionals or family assistance – for the past six years.
Bob’s adult kids worry not only about their dad’s delusions and agitation (and whether Joan is equipped to handle them) but also about 80-year-old Joan’s health issues, many of which she has delayed addressing because she always gives priority to their dad’s needs. When her stepchildren express their misgivings about keeping their dad at home at all costs, Joan feels resentment and pushes back. She doesn’t feel they have the right to weigh in because they are only minimally involved in their father’s care.
Outsiders: keep your input positive and respectful
Caregivers have a hard job. They need to be surrounded with understanding and support, not guilt and strife. If you have concerns or ideas you’d like to share with a caregiver, here are some tips on the best way to express your thoughts:
- Carefully consider your comments. First determine if what you want to share with the caregiver will truly help the situation. If you’re just annoyed about something or think you know better, keep it to yourself.
- Keep the person’s well-being top of mind. Always focus your discussions on the person’s well-being and try to keep judgment and emotions out of it. Proving yourself right and someone else wrong makes everyone feel badly and, in the end, helps no one.
- Stay clear of accusations and personal attacks. Communicate your concerns or offer advice honestly but with the utmost tact and respect for the person providing the care. When a caregiver must constantly defend themselves and their actions, it can be defeating and sap the energy they need for their caregiving tasks.
- Don’t assume you know what it’s like. Even personal caregiving experience doesn’t give you the license to judge other caregivers. That’s because no two situations are exactly the same. The same disease may affect their loved one differently than yours, their health or other aspects of their life may impact their care, plus their family dynamics aren’t the same as yours.
- Know when you’ve overstepped. While it’s helpful to know how to communicate with caregivers, it’s even more beneficial to recognize when you’ve gone too far and be able to step back.
Caregivers: responding to caregiver criticism
If those close to the situation can express their opinions kindly and respectfully, you can at least listen to what they have to say. Here’s some advice on how to address others’ feedback.
- Give everyone the benefit of listening. Because they are on the outside looking in, a family member or friend may observe changes or potential problems that you have missed because you are with your loved one 24/7. When the person is expressing how they feel, listen closely and instead of getting defensive and try to understand what’s causing the person to make these comments. Once they are finished, paraphrase what they’ve said to make sure you’ve understood.
- Keep emotion out of it. Rather than getting frustrated or focusing on the preachy tone the person may have used, try to focus instead on the message. Try to objectively weigh the message’s merit and act – if you think it’s warranted.
- Create understanding. Instead of responding to judgment with “you just don’t understand what I’m up against,” tell the person exactly what your experience as a caregiver is like. With that understanding, they may temper their comments next time.
- Don’t let resentment enter into it. If you harbor resentment against the people who are questioning you, address your issues – whether it means asking them to provide you with help or talking through any disagreements you’ve had. By cutting out that distraction, you’ll be better able to hear what they have to say.
- Set boundaries. If someone presents their two cents in a negative, accusatory way, you have every right to end the conversation.
Wrote one caregiver on Facebook, “The true strength of a caregiver lies in rising above this misplaced judgment, knowing that their worth is not defined by the approval of those who have never lived their struggle. Instead, it is defined by the love, patience, and resilience they bring to those in their care.”
Related: The Hidden Costs of Caregiving
