Lifestyle The Other Grandparents 6/12/2023 | By Amy Dickinson After uprooting their lives to be near their grandson, these parents have begun to resent the other grandparents, who get invited to share grandchild moments that they don’t. See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson says in “Ask Amy.” Dear Amy: My daughter, who moved to the East Coast for college 15 years ago, recently had a baby. My husband and I, recently retired, came out from the West Coast for the baby’s birth and were convinced to move. We upended everything, moved 12 minutes away from our daughter, and now watch our grandson four days a week, which is great. My daughter’s in-laws live about an hour away and now that the baby is older they have resumed their routine of Sunday dinners with my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. These dinners, which used to be at the in-laws’ house, are now held at my daughter’s house. We are rarely invited to join, even on Mother’s Day. We were invited on Christmas and Easter, but we bought all the food and did all the cooking. How can I handle that they are purposely (and hurtfully, on Mother’s Day) excluding us? – Feeling Shunned Dear Shunned: You see your grandchild four times a week. Granted, you are providing childcare and not dropping in for special occasion visits, but the other grandparents likely believe that because you have so much access to your grandchild (also their grandchild), they should have their own special and exclusive access to the baby. Hence, the regular Sunday dinners. There is a known phenomenon in Western cultures called “matrilineal advantage.” This is where a child’s maternal grandparents (and other maternal relatives) tend to spend more time with and be closer to grandchildren than the paternal relatives. A major factor is the tendency of mothers (and grandmothers) to be the “kinkeepers” of their families. They make the arrangements, remember the birthdays, host the occasion dinners (in your case, also cooking the dinners), and – yes – provide childcare. They are the linchpins of the family network. Paternal grandparents are extremely important, and I think you should generously grant that the other grandparents should also take regular opportunities to establish and maintain their own rituals with their grandchild. You’ve upended your life and turned it over to your daughter and her family. I’m not sure why you are signing up to bring and cook all the food for Christmas and Easter, but if you are leaping in to offer more than you are willing to happily give (in terms of childcare and other kinkeeping tasks), then you should cut back. I agree that you should be included on Mother’s and Father’s Day, and because this has hurt your feelings, you should say so. I hope that you and your husband are also finding your own friends, hobbies, and pursuits in your new home, in order to be less dependent on fulfilling yourselves by fulfilling your daughter’s needs. In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from feelings about the other grandparents, to memorial service etiquette, and friends with Alzheimer’s. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. Read More Amy Dickinson