Perhaps we never outgrow our old insecurities, as the letter from this woman reveals. After moving to a new town eight years ago, she often feels like a middle school girl again. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
After 38 years of military and Department of Defense service, I retired and moved to my current home eight years ago (in a town I’ve never lived in before). I became friends with a woman two years ago and she introduced me to her larger circle of friends (about 19 women). Since then, I’ve become close with her and her best friend and the three of us often do things together.
When the larger group gets together, they let everyone know about the event through a text chain, which they have declined to include me in. I do get invited to quarterly birthday parties (there’s a separate text chain for that), but generally, I’m unaware of most of their activities.
My two friends often ask me to go with them when they notice I wasn’t invited. I feel like the larger group of women look at me as a friend of the other two women. They’re always friendly when I see them, and when I invite the larger group to an event hosted by my church or civic organization, many of them will come. But when my two friends ask me to tag along, I feel I’m party crashing, going to something I wasn’t invited to.
They act like it’s no big deal and that the more they include me, the more likely it is that the larger group will eventually include me. This feels so awkward to me and even brings up old insecurities. Am I overreacting?
– Feeling Like a Middle School Girl
Dear Feeling:
You’re not. Trying to navigate the borders of an established group of friends can be really frustrating and confusing at any age. Part of the issue is, although the invitations from your two friends are seemingly genuine and made without reservation, the group as a whole has its own personality. And what we want, at least in my experience, is for that whole group to welcome you with open arms so that that internal middle-schooler has all her fears assuaged and old insecurities put to rest.
One way to combat this is to cultivate friendships with other members of the group. Are there others with whom you’ve made connections, even small ones, while at large group events? If so, consider reaching out to one or two for a tea or a lunch or something. You don’t have to be covert about your intentions. People like to hear, “I’d love to get to know you better” or “Can we be better friends?”
Within a large group of friends, there are many sub-relationships. Some people are going to connect more with others; some members of the group might feel the same awkwardness you do. If you were already part of the larger group, you’d already have some of these sub-relationships going. But there’s no time limit. You can start cultivating them now.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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