The challenges of caregiving reach deep, beyond the physical to the emotional. A husband whose wife suddenly needs care is struggling with caregiver stress. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I love my wife of 29 years so deeply.
Recently, she took a tumble down the stairs when going down to use the bathroom. She broke her pelvis, is in excruciating pain, and has lost all mobility.
While I feel awful for what she is going through, this is an awful lot on me as well. She is very petite and slim, and I am still a tall, strong guy.
She has accepted wearing an adult diaper, but I still have to carry her up and down the stairs for the bathroom.
Everything she used to do (cooking, shopping, tidying up, pet care, et cetera) is now on my shoulders on top of my full-time job.
I feel so bad for her, but this is hard on me as well. We cannot afford any help. How can I get over feeling resentful?
– Struggling Husband
Dear Husband:
It’s important to remember that this isn’t a situation that she caused. I know you know this, but it’s a truth that can sometimes get pushed to the background of the mind when resentment starts to build. Not only that, but she’s dealing with incapacitation, a loss of independence, and excruciating pain. This isn’t to say there needs to be a hierarchy of suffering. Rather, just to highlight that this is a very difficult position for you to be in together.
It sounds like your wife was doing a lot for your household, so you’re both feeling the pressure of this change.
You’re not alone in feeling the strain of providing care for a loved one. Caregivers sometimes express frustration or feelings of being overwhelmed because they need more support. It’s OK to acknowledge those feelings to yourself. It isn’t a betrayal of your wife to tell yourself “I wish this hadn’t happened. I’m feeling a lot of pressure. Today has been hard.” It might lessen the resentment.
There are other options for help. Reach out to the hospital social worker, your insurance company, or to your primary care physician’s office to see what support might be available locally for people in your financial position. I acknowledge that is also another task on your plate, which might make it untenable. Reach out to friends and family to see if they can lend a hand by making calls for you, forming a meal train, coming over to clean, or providing help in other ways.
Remind yourself that it’s not forever and talk with your wife about how you can best show up for her and how you can reach out for assistance.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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