A daughter is concerned that her 87-year-old mother is in denial about her cancer prognosis. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My 87-year-old mother has pancreatic cancer. My husband and I moved out of state to live with her for four months while she went through radiation and enough of the recovery for her to live independently.
Her cancer is back after about a six-month reprieve. The doctors have said she cannot have more treatments due to health and age. She refuses palliative care and hospice.
She has difficulty walking (wobbly), severe brain fog and fatigue and has trouble remembering things. She is also medically anorexic due to nausea, probably from the cancer’s return.
My mother is in denial about her prognosis. She blames all of her symptoms on radiation and insists she will get stronger once the radiation effects wear off. She still drives, although the doctors have recommended that she doesn’t drive. She has always been socially active and fiercely independent.
She and I have a complicated history, and her refusal to face what is likely to be the end of her life causes me great stress. I want her (as well as others around her) to be safe and comfortable; however, I have no idea how to interact with her to have the discussions that we need to have.
When I have broached conversations about having help or ideas that may make her life a little easier, it usually ends with me acquiescing to what she wants but both of us are feeling the strain. I’ve tried reaching out to her oncology team and they have done an exceptional job of trying to give my mom a reality check, but she denies their facts.
At this point, I will not live with her again unless it’s an end-of-life situation, but I am quite willing to help her sort out home healthcare and/or rides to and from places she needs to go, which she also refuses. I feel like I’m in a no-win position.
– Concerned Daughter
Dear Daughter:
I’m sorry about your mother’s prognosis and I’m sorry that you’re both stuck in this difficult position. She’s in the midst of something that is painfully human: a struggle to accept reality. Unfortunately, we can’t make others accept what they don’t want to, or can’t, accept. We can impose the strictures of reality on them, but sometimes the best thing to do is to detach with love.
That sounds like what you’re doing. You’re not abandoning her; you’re simply resigning from the debate. This is part of healthy boundary-setting. You can’t argue your mother into accepting the truth or having an easier life. So, it makes sense for you to avoid situations where you’ll be drawn into debate. This also frees you up, emotionally, to show up when she really needs help. Sometimes we have to let our loved ones make choices we don’t agree with, but we don’t have to co-sign on those choices.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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