After a decades-long friendship, a woman withdraws because of medical problems. Now, this same dying friend refuses contact, and the remaining friends wonder what they can do. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
Three of us attended high school together and remained close friends for many decades, even though we sometimes lived quite far from each other.
A few years ago, “Beth” had some medical problems that were exacerbated by COVID, and she had to retire unexpectedly from a fulfilling job. She fell into a deep depression and withdrew from us. We kept in touch with her family, who updated us about her ups and downs. They let us know that it wasn’t just us. She isolated herself from everyone, even some of her own family. She tried therapy and anti-depressants, but nothing seemed to work.
We sent gifts, cards of encouragement, emails, texts. Nothing has been acknowledged for at least a couple of years. Our last phone calls were over four years ago.
Her grown son, Michael, has just let us know that Beth has a terminal illness. He has been wonderful about keeping us informed about her condition, but is dissuading us from contacting his mother, who has remained firm in her desire to remain isolated from friends. I might add that Beth’s immediate family is very caring and supportive, so she’s not lacking help and comfort.
It is heartbreaking to lose this friend of 60 years without saying goodbye, telling her how much she has meant to us and letting her know that we cherish years of treasured memories.
Do we remain silent or reach out? So far, we’re just taking cues from Michael.
– Two Left Behind
Dear Left Behind:
My heart aches for Beth and for you; what a terrible situation all around. I think you’re going to need to express your goodbye one way or another, even if you don’t express it directly to Beth, per her request.
Start with a letter. You’re grieving and those feelings need somewhere to go. Write her a letter telling her what she’s meant to you, reflecting on the memories you’ve shared and expressing what you’re feeling now.
You may find that the act of writing alone meets the need that you have. But, if you’re still wishing for another way to say goodbye, reach out to Michael and ask if he’ll simply receive the letter for you. He can honor his mother’s wishes by not sharing it with her but there still could be something healing in simply making the gesture.
You might also let Michael know that if he ever wants a fond remembrance of his mother, he is free to read them. This goodbye could help his grief as well down the road.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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