Their 98-year-old father has mild dementia – communication is difficult, but his feelings are intact. The fact that the dad’s friends deserted him pains the father and makes his family angry. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My 98-year-old father is living with dementia. Because it isn’t advanced, he is painfully aware that his memory is failing him. He often recounts things – past and present – that aren’t true. Following advice from the Alzheimer’s Association, our immediate family practices “therapeutic fibbing”: we accept whatever he says as fact to preserve his dignity.
It’s a difficult tightrope to walk, but the hardest part isn’t the caregiving – it’s the silence. Several of Dad’s lifelong friends have deserted him and stopped calling altogether. I think they feel uncomfortable with the conversations, which, in all honesty, are not always easy. He misses them and has begun to worry he did something wrong to drive them away.
My gut tells me to call these friends and give them a piece of my mind. I’d rather they skip his eventual funeral and just give him five minutes of their time now. Since “shaming” them probably isn’t the best strategy, how can I encourage these old friends to re-engage with a man who needs them now more than ever?
I am hopeful that my Dad’s friends, or others, read this column as a wakeup call to reach out to those who may be suffering in similar situations
– Caring for Dad
Dear Caring:
You’re right, shaming may not be the most effective strategy here. Instead, transparency might be the way. Try calling your father’s friends, giving them a full picture of what’s going on – as much as you feel comfortable while still preserving your dad’s dignity and privacy. Then make a specific ask: “I know that these conversations aren’t always easy and might even be painful, but can you call my dad this week and talk for a few minutes? He needs the connection and he’s benefited from your friendship. Is that something you can commit to for him?”
By making it plain, you are helping to disentangle some of the complicated emotions that they may be having – frustration, maybe, grief, guilt – and giving them what is hopefully an easy yes. I also want to note that what you’re doing is a gift for your father, of course, but it’s also a gift for his friends. Often, as you noted, we don’t know how to support friends who are ailing. But it’s important for everyone to remember that it’s better to ask than to avoid.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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