After her husband’s surgery, Seniors Guide writer Terri Jones experienced the challenges of being a caregiver. She shares her novice caregiving lessons with readers.
My husband, Joe (not his real name), had rotator cuff surgery a couple weeks ago. I brought him home with a huge, restrictive brace on his dominant arm that can’t be removed, except for bathing, for six weeks. When the nurse at the surgery center helped him into the car and closed the door, I became Joe’s right arm for the next month and a half. It didn’t seem too difficult at the time, but I had no idea what I was in for!
Challenges and caregiving lessons
Set up
My first hurdle was setting up the machine that circulated ice water to his shoulder. Because I am notoriously bad at putting things together, I requested that my husband and I do a run-through before surgery; however, Joe, probably not trusting that I’d do it right anyway, asked the nurse to put the sling portion of the contraption on him before we left the surgery center. Unfortunately, this move backfired for him. Once I got the machine running for the first time, my husband was convinced that the Velcro straps were all wrong, so we had to pull it all apart and start from scratch. That was our first fight!
But putting on the ice pack was just the half of it. I also had to refill the ice in the bucket every four to five hours, and unfortunately, our refrigerator’s ice maker couldn’t keep up. I ended up making multiple trips to the store and heaving out 20-pound bags of ice, which really put my own shoulders to the test!
CAREGIVING LESSONS FOR SET UP: Practice everything you’ll need to do in advance because these tasks certainly won’t get easier when performed under pressure. Also try to anticipate your needs (like having a reserve bag of ice!).
Medications
Joe was on two pain medications and one anti-inflammatory for the first three days, with a short supply of oxycodone if these drugs didn’t cut it. I immediately placed the oxy on a high dresser out of his reach and started with a regular rotation of the other drugs.
I’d never managed anyone’s medications before, and especially ones that had to be given at different intervals. Because I still write my to-do list on a pad by my computer, I resorted to this same method to keep track of Joe’s drugs. But when every minute of your day is consumed with refilling ice buckets, repositioning pillows, adjusting slings, making and serving food, and a million other household responsibilities, it’s easy to lose track of a hastily scribbled drug schedule.
CAREGIVING LESSONS FOR MEDICATION MANAGEMENT: Before the surgery, schedule medications on a spreadsheet on your computer or use a medication reminder app. When you’re in the thick of caring for your loved one, all you have to do is mark off the doses when given.
Food
My husband has always made his own breakfast and occasionally his own lunch. But now that he had only one good arm – and it wasn’t the arm he was used to using – I was stuck preparing every meal every single day. We stocked up on frozen burritos, which not only are quick to heat up but Joe could also enjoy them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Bonus: they can also be eaten without utensils!
LESSONS FOR FOOD PREP AND CLEANUP: Make sure you stock up on frozen meals in advance and find meals that your patient can pop into the microwave themselves. The value of this seemingly small contribution can’t be overstated. Also, be sure to buy paper plates to cut down on dishwashing.
Sleeping
Joe snores, but he’s typically a side sleeper, which reduces the disturbance to a manageable level. However, now that he was forced to sleep on his back because of the brace, his snoring was impossible to ignore or drown out. I announced way before the surgery that I, along with our animals, would be moving to the guest room upstairs to allow me to get some sleep and keep the animals from jumping on his arm in the middle of the night.
CAREGIVING SLUMBER LESSONS – FOR YOU: As a caregiver, you will be exhausted from all the extra work you’ll be doing during the day, and you’ll definitely need your sleep at night. Don’t be afraid to bed hop if you need to!
Tasks and support
I’ve had to do many things I’d never done before, like helping my husband put on a shirt (bad arm first) and take it off (good arm first), cut up his food so he can eat more easily with his left hand, wash his hair, put on his shoes, and keep track of his appointments and drive him to each one. Much to my dismay, I even had to clean blood and feathers off our front porch when a bird launched a kamikaze flight into the side of our house.
I’ve also had to take care of all our household chores (I didn’t appreciate how many things Joe actually did until I had to shoulder his responsibilities as well as my own). Every time the cat’s litterbox needs scooping, a package arrives on the front porch, the trash cans need to be wheeled to the curb, a workman comes to the house, etc., it’s always my job to take care of it, and my new expanded workload has been exhausting!
LESSONS: Find small tasks that the person for whom you’re caring can handle. Maybe it’s getting the mail, putting dishes in the dishwasher or folding their clean laundry. If you continue to do everything, you’ll become resentful and eventually burned out. And the complete loss of independence and ability to contribute will also take their toll on your loved one.
Unforeseen circumstances
As if all that hasn’t been hard enough, two days after Joe’s surgery, we were slammed by that record-breaking blizzard, which dropped about 15” of snow on our town as well as knocked out our power for 17 hours! Thankfully, this happened right after we finished with round-the-clock icing of my husband’s shoulder with the electric ice machine, so this disaster didn’t have a medical impact.
However, the cold, boredom, and limited access to refrigerated or cooked food (and the loss of home-cooked meals that friends had generously brought us after the surgery) just added insult to injury (literally).
LESSONS FOR US ALL: I’m not sure that there was a lesson here, other than buy a generator!
Whether your caregiving stint is short term, like mine, or long term, it can be physically and emotionally taxing. No matter how dedicated you are to helping your loved one, it’ll still test your patience and push you to your limits. The key to surviving it is to give yourself a lot of grace. And the first chance you get, do something nice for yourself – last week, I got a massage!
And if you discover that the task is beyond your capacity – after all, caregiving can be a monumental task – consider calling in reinforcements, from friends and family to professionals.
