Relatives are helping an elderly cousin during her chemo treatments. The care is complicated by the cousin’s financial situation, which could be eased if she sold her home. Advice columnist Eric Thomas suggests that these caregivers need boundaries.
Dear Eric:
My brother and I are helping an elderly cousin who has cancer. Her chemo treatments have terrible side effects, and she is requiring more and more care because of this. Ideally, she would be getting home health care or would move to an assisted living facility. However, she does not have cash flow to pay for services.
She wishes her niece to inherit her home. It has been in our family for a century. However, this niece has mental health issues, lives 700 miles away and does not fly or drive. Inheriting this house would be a burden not a blessing to this niece.
We have tried to bring up the subject of selling the house and using some of the money for her own care, but she refuses. The end result is my brother, a friend of hers, and I are all being asked to provide way more care than we feel comfortable doing because she will not spend money for needed care.
The friend who finds it difficult to set boundaries. We’ve coached him on how to do this, but it hasn’t been effective. He does let us know this has become a burden for him.
I am very willing to bring up this subject with her and am going to meet the friend again to discuss boundaries, but I would like to know some ways to keep the conversation non-judgmental and positive.
– Growing Tired
Dear Growing Tired:
One part of holding a healthy boundary with your cousin may involve setting a boundary with the overly helpful friend. It sounds like, despite your efforts, you’re being drawn further into this situation by taking on the responsibility of coaching him. This places you at the center, which creates more strain and stress. He has to be responsible for doing what he can and communicating with your cousin about what his limits are. Release yourself from the responsibility of managing this part of the situation.
With regard to your cousin, be honest with her about how impossible the situation has become. Tell her that you’re in it with her, but that the way it’s going now isn’t working for anyone. Ask her to help you think through some solutions. This relieves you of some of the burden of giving her an ultimatum and encourages her to continue to be an active part of her care plan.
If you haven’t already done so, reach out to the niece. It’s not clear to me if she knows about the plan to leave her the house. This could be an opportunity for her to have an honest conversation with your cousin about whether she wants it, which could, in turn, free your cousin up to make other choices, including renting it or selling it.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
Like this advice about family caregiving and boundaries, caregiving in a marriage, read more life guidance, from caregiving in a marriage, not receiving thank yous, lonely caregivers, and more:
Boomer Advice for Life department
For advice targeted to senior adults and their families – caregiving, grandparenting, retirement communities, and more:
Asking Eric on SeniorGuide.com
