Now in their 80s, a couple who used to welcome visitors to their beach house is now too old to host. Friends, however, keep asking. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My spouse, 87, and I, 84, live in a three-bedroom condo near a popular beach with many attractions. When we were younger, we housed guests frequently.
We cannot move from our home, and we do all our own housekeeping without outside help (which we cannot afford). We’ve tried to reduce our active living space. We are in very good shape for our ages but still we are 87 and 84.
Requests for accommodation keep coming. A relative who lives on the beachfront and lost power during a storm thought perhaps he and his wife could stay with us “just until power is restored.” An old friend asked if he and his wife (who has advanced dementia) could stay with us for his grandson’s wedding because they could not find space nearby.
We don’t want to be rude, but we are too old to try to host overnight guests under non-emergency circumstances, especially guests with medical problems.
A reply of “sorry, that’s not possible” is met sometimes with questions or pushback, offers to cook breakfast, et cetera. Help! We’d like to keep good relations.
– Old and Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
The pushback really gets my goat because 1) no is a complete sentence and 2) no one should feel emboldened enough to haggle with you about whether they can stay at your house.
The requests seem innocuous enough, but they need to respect your answer. If your friends aren’t taking no for an answer, they have an issue with respecting your boundaries, your time and your generosity. That’s a problem that’s on them. And if they let it sour the relationship, there’s little you can do short of letting them have what they want. And I’d argue, if they come stay even though they know it’s a burden for you, the relationship is still sour.
One solution is to preemptively tell friends and family that your capacity has changed and, after years of happy hosting, you’re now happily “homing” and, while people are welcome to stop in to visit for a day, you’re not able to welcome overnight visitors anymore. Though you’ve told people this in response to a request in the past, it’s possible that hearing a broad declaration (perhaps in a holiday letter), will prevent them from asking in the future. And if not, you can always point to the declaration with your kind but firm no.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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