A friend’s cognitive issues are disrupting the group’s weekly card games, and her fellow players are out of aces, because they don’t want to hurt her feelings. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
We are a group of women who have been meeting weekly to play cards for the last several years. During the last year or so, one of our players has become increasingly cognitively impaired. As a result of our friend’s cognitive issues, we have to slow down play or correct her. This is problematic for the rest of the players.
We would like to ask her to stop playing with us, but we don’t know how to do so without hurting her feelings. We don’t want to be mean, but we also feel she is having a negative impact on the games.
Any advice on how we can handle this problem would be appreciated.
– Game Play
Dear Play:
It sounds like your friend is going through a scary and confusing time and could use some support. Instead of asking her to leave, it’d be more loving to figure out a new way that this group can interact going forward.
You don’t have to hide your concerns from her; indeed, it’s better if you involve her in the decision-making. Talk to her about the challenges in a kind way that doesn’t make it seem like she’s done something wrong. “I’ve noticed that it’s harder for you to follow the flow of the game sometimes. Have you noticed that as well? We love having you around and want to make our time together an enjoyable experience. Can we do something other than playing cards when we meet?”
I’m not suggesting that you stop playing cards altogether. This is just the beginning of a conversation. You might also check in with her to make sure she has medical and social support at home.
The rest of the group may choose to continue to meet to play together, perhaps at other times. But you can do this without abandoning your friend.
As with any friend group, when one person’s capacity changes, the group itself changes. By inviting your friend into the conversation about how to meet her where she is, you open the door to a world of possibilities for this group. It doesn’t just benefit her. This kind of flexibility can benefit any of you and keep the connections active, if and when your lives change.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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