Six years after her husband’s death, Dana has begun dating. She wants to bring her new partner to family Thanksgiving, but the adults kids are rejecting their widowed mom’s beau. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in, and a reader replies with a similar anecdote.
Dear Eric:
My mother-in-law, Dana, 79, was married for 51 years before her husband passed six years ago.
She still visits us frequently. When she does, she stays at either our house or one of my husband’s sister’s homes.
Within the last six months, my MIL began dating another senior gentleman, Peter. Apparently, Dana and Peter knew each other in high school and recently reconnected.
As of this writing, only the two sisters have met Peter. Now there is discussion of the Thanksgiving holiday. Dana would like to bring Peter to meet the rest of the family, and she’s upset because there are conflicting opinions on where she and Peter should stay.
I told my husband I would not feel comfortable hosting my MIL and her boyfriend in our home over the holiday weekend. We only have one guest room. Equally, I think my sisters-in-law feel the same. My nephew said he does not like the idea of someone, not his grandfather, staying in their home at all, especially a holiday break. Again, I’m not in disagreement.
Meanwhile, Dana is upset because she feels no one is giving Peter a chance. I suggested that Dana and Peter stay at a hotel, but Dana feels that we should be more accommodating to her and Peter, especially since they will be traveling to our area via train and neither will have local transportation. I feel it’s a lot to ask to include someone else who is essentially a stranger to us in our homes. I’m sure Peter is a nice man, and my MIL enjoys his company, but am I, or my sisters-in-law, being unreasonable in rejecting our widowed mom’s beau?
– Crowded House
Dear House:
Your home, your rules, your comfort level. However, it would be helpful for everyone involved to consider Dana’s position here, as well. Six years after going through the grief and disruption of her husband’s death, she’s found new companionship, which can be wonderful but also has its own challenges. This is new territory for her as well as for you. There are bound to be some hiccups.
Much of the letter was focused on Peter being a stranger. And I acknowledge that is a hurdle, maybe an insurmountable one. But I wonder if Peter is really who everyone is thinking about here, or if this is more about holding a space for Dana’s first husband. Peter’s presence doesn’t displace Dana’s first husband in the family structure, nor – I presume – in her heart. She has to understand that everyone grieves and adjusts in their own way. But everyone else has to understand that Dana is still alive and this relationship is part of her life now.
If the unmarried grandchildren in your family aren’t allowed to bring home significant others to stay in the same room, then explain to Dana that this policy has to be universally applied. However, if that’s not the case, don’t make her the victim of a double standard. See if there’s a time between now and Thanksgiving that she can bring Peter down to meet you casually. That will make him less of a stranger.
Reader reply:
Dear Eric:
“Crowded House” was concerned about letting her mother-in-law and boyfriend spend the holidays with them, essentially rejecting their widowed mom’s beau and her adult choices. We had a similar situation with my grandmother, in which many in the family chose not to make the gentleman welcome. Years after my grandmother passed, we found a journal entry saying she wished they had, that due to their pressures she may have missed a chance for happiness again after losing her husband. It’s your mother-in-law’s life and choice. Don’t miss this chance to support her.
– Been There
Dear Been There:
I’m sorry that your grandmother missed this chance and that the family missed the chance to support her. Love after the death of a spouse is never going to look the way outsiders might think it does, but the family should endeavor to empower the mother-in-law rather than judge her choices. Some readers wrote in with concern that, given the relatively short timeframe of the relationship, the new boyfriend was taking advantage of the mother-in-law. I don’t see evidence of that, but a good way to protect a loved one in a new relationship is to meet the person that they love.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and “Congratulations, The Best Is Over.”
Send questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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