Finding that perfect, amazing new someone to share your life with after another relationship ends, such as death of a partner or divorce, is a joyous experience. But it is sometimes tricky to tell your adult children of a new relationship.
Will they condemn the union as too soon? Draw unfair comparisons with your previous partner, possibly their other parent? Welcome your new loved one with open arms and kindness, cold distance, exacting scrutiny, or what?
The truth is, you can’t be totally sure. And stewing over the possibilities can lead to health-threatening tension and anxiety.
Guidance for telling adult children of a new relationship
While it’s true that every situation is different, there are ways you can hedge your bets. Here, we explore tips from pro therapists and relationship coaches on how to tell your adult children of a new relationship. These suggestions can help you broach the subject in a way that sets you and your new partner up for success down the road.
Break the news gently and carefully
Romantic love is a rapturous, intoxicating experience and it’s easy to get caught up in the jubilee. That’s especially true after a lengthy bout with grief. And sharing the glad tidings with friends and family can feel like the most natural thing in the world.
But when it comes to adult kids, don’t dive in unprepared: They may not greet the announcement with similar enthusiasm. And that could spell disaster in the long-run.
“The single greatest predictor that a [serious romantic relationship] will fail,” writes veteran marriage and family therapist, Kathy McCoy, in “Psychology Today,” “is the presence of children from a prior marriage or relationship – and it makes no difference whether [they are] minors or adults.” McCoy was referencing another useful article, “Guess Who Has the Power in a Remarriage with Children.”
Adult children can have residual childhood trauma from your prior marriage or still be dealing with grief. They’ll probably worry about how your new partner may change your relationship with them or with your grandkids and how it could shift end-of-life financial arrangements.
McCoy urges parents to keep this in mind and introduce their new spouse with great caution and care.
Don’t spring the news at a major event like a holiday, birthday party, or wedding. Look for a quiet, focused time to sit down alone with your kids and discuss what’s going on. (If distance precludes meeting in-person, a scheduled video call is the next best thing.) Steer clear of gushing emotions and comparisons such as “I met the most amazing woman; she makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt!” Instead, try to explain your feelings and happiness as calmly and rationally as possible.
Reassure your children they won’t be losing anything, but gaining a wonderful addition to the family. Express that you’ll continue to cherish your relationship with them and that you view this as an opportunity to enhance, grow, and deepen that relationship. If inheritance is a concern, ease potential irrational fears by addressing the issue head-on.
Being direct and honest will not only help your children better understand your perspective, but set the tone for open communication moving forward.
Manage negative reactions wisely
Should you hope your kids will greet the news of your new relationship with a rousing chorus of congrats? Absolutely. But you should also maintain realistic expectations and be prepared for the alternative.
“One might expect that grown children would be happy that [you’ve] started to move beyond [your] grief,” writes retired clinical psychologist and National Widowers’ Organization board member, Stanley Kissel. “Surprisingly, they often behave with animosity instead.”
If that happens, it’s best for parents let initial reactions slide. Don’t interpret your kids’ responses as their final thoughts on the matter. And don’t try to elicit inauthentic celebrations. Simply explain that you understand your children’s emotions and sympathize with their concerns. Seek to react with empathy and actively listen to whatever they may say.
Regardless of whether you’re disappointed in their behavior at the moment, “Let them know that your love for them is unconditional and forever,” writes McCoy. “Reassure them that they will always hold a special place in your heart.”
McCoy also notes, “At the same time, let them know that, at the end of the day, you expect a certain level of civility toward the person you love, even if they may never feel close.”
The approach will give your new relationship some room to blossom. It will also help depressurize the situation and let your kids to get to know your partner and develop their own relationship with him or her over time.
