Mom Feels Excluded and Hurt

Our daughter lives in a different country and before COVID we would visit one another at least once a year. It has been sad for us that our grandchildren are so far away, even though technology has enabled us to have a good relationship.

We were finally able to visit them in person last summer after almost four years.

While talking to her father recently she told him that ever since his birthday she’d been thinking she’d like to go on a trip just with him, and that she thinks she can easily get away for two weeks to make it happen.

She did not make this offer to me.

I don’t think that I need to be included in a special father-daughter trip, but the fact that she doesn’t have the desire to have a similar special time with me has hurt me deeply.

How do I get over this?

– Second Place Mom

Dear Second Place Mom: 

You and your husband have both turned 70.

Your daughter seems to have seen this landmark birthday as a good reason to spend special time with her father (and it is).

You don’t offer any details, so I’ll speculate as to her reasons:

• When she saw the two of you recently, her perception was that her father had aged a lot during the past year. She is worried about him.
• They’ve always had a close connection, and she misses him.
• They’ve never had a close connection, and she wants to forge one.
• You and she have always been close, and she takes your relationship for granted.
• You and she have never been close, and her exclusion is deliberate.
• Or … she is planning a special mother-daughter trip for next year.

You should tell her, “I love the idea of your father-daughter trip. Dad’s really looking forward to it. But I have to be honest that my feelings have been hurt that you didn’t think to do this with me. Is everything OK between us?”

The way to get over this is to deliberately alter your attitude toward it.

Take the magnanimous high road, respond generously, and you’ll feel much better about yourself – and them.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from when a mom feels excluded or worn out to having a friend with Alzheimer’s. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. 

© 2022 by Amy Dickinson

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