Worn-Out Mother and Ungrateful Offspring

Every year I give the children thousands of dollars. I give my oldest three times as much because she has been ill for several years, even though she refuses to see a traditional doctor.

None of my children acknowledge my gifts. The middle child will thank me if I ask if the money has shown up in the children’s accounts.

This is complicated by a car accident when my eldest, while she was high on drugs, killed a woman and her baby. She went to jail for four years. I visited her on weekends, taking away time from the other two. We had to move to another city to avoid death threats to our family, mostly to the children.

The youngest two still don’t speak to her. Now my oldest isn’t speaking to me because I “favor her siblings.”

I don’t expect gratitude, but an acknowledgment would be nice.

I have had years of therapy, but my children refuse to get any.

Do I have any options, aside from stopping all my giving?

– Worn-Out Mother

Dear Worn-Out Mother: 

Based on your brief description, your eldest’s fate wasn’t the result of an accident, but a terrible crime that she committed.

Your family dynamic is still entwined with its long-term consequences.

You are your daughter’s mother, and you stalwartly stood by her as she served out her sentence, but now she seems to be imposing her own sentence upon you.

Your generous support of her might be keeping her right where she is (ill, angry, and dependent), and your other children are accepting your largesse without thanks as a way to punish you for that.

In my opinion, someone who refuses to even speak to you should not be rewarded with a generous check. (Or any check.) You should only spend money directly toward this daughter’s rehab and therapy.

I also believe that you should redirect some of this generosity to a victim’s fund in memory of the two people whose deaths she caused.

You should express yourself honestly to your other two children. Tell them that you expect both gratitude and thanks for the money you give to them within a week of receiving the money, and if they don’t do that, you understand that this will be their message to you that they don’t want these funds.

You should also consider redirecting your giving away from them and into a trust for your grandchildren’s education.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from worn-out mothers to unreasonable grandmas and one-sided friendships. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. 

© 2022 by Amy Dickinson

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