Lifestyle Unreasonable Grandma Spurns the Rules 7/17/2023 | By Amy Dickinson Two sets of grandparents help care for the grandkids, but one unreasonable grandma ignores the guidelines that the parents have established. See what columnist Amy Dickinson advises in “Ask Amy.” Dear Amy: My husband and I work full-time jobs and are fortunate to have weekly childcare for our children (ages 9 and 13) through our parents, all of whom live nearby. However, we recently learned that “Grandma A” has been doing things we have explicitly asked her not to do. For example, we don’t allow our children to be on social media and Grandma A helped our older child create an account to use at her house. We have also asked Grandma A to limit junk foods, but she gives them unlimited amounts (in addition to our children being at risk for being overweight, they then also don’t have an appetite for the dinners I make on the days they go to her house). I’ve also explained to Grandma A why we have these rules (including that these are recommendations from our pediatrician), but she continues to ignore them. I’d like to limit visits to her house to only once a week and have the other grandparents cover the rest of the week (they would be happy to), but my husband thinks it’s unfair and that both sets of grandparents should have equal time with the grandkids. He’s also worried that Grandma A will be angry and upset if she finds out the other grandparents have more days with the kids. What do you recommend? – Frustrated Mom Dear Frustrated: I take it that unreasonable Grandma A is your husband’s mother, hence this disagreement between you two parents about how to handle her lack of respect for your (very reasonable) guidelines for the care of your children while they’re spending time in her home. If these guidelines are mutually agreed to by you and your husband, then your husband should frankly, respectfully, and clearly remind his mother to abide by them. The relationship between her and her grandchildren is NOT at stake; this is a simple issue of adhering to your commonsense requirements. (“Mom, I need you to agree to this. Do you agree? Yes? Fantastic. I hope you understand that if you can’t respect these rules, we will rethink having the kids spend time in your home.) Furthermore, your adolescent should also be aware of these guidelines, and adhere to them! I assume that your 13-year-old has managed to manipulate this loving grandmother into opening a social media account while at her house (gaslighting elders is a teen’s superpower). This child is responsible for their own actions and choices, whether they are at home, at a friend’s house, or in the care of grandparents. It’s time they understood this non-negotiable. In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from an unreasonable grandma to one-sided friendships to frustrated caregivers. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. © 2022 by Amy Dickinson Click here to read more Ask Amy columns curated for a baby boomer audience. Read More Amy Dickinson