Cutting Ties with Mentally Ill Mother

Beginning in my teens (I’m in my 50s now), she has caused long periods of estrangement over perceived slights, so she missed my wedding and the births of my children.

My father divorced her when I was 8 years old.

And yet she also has better periods when she can be lovely and charming, and so whenever she called me to reconcile, I always did.

Throughout the pandemic, I visited her regularly, took her to her many doctor’s appointments, and helped her through other major problems. I did this because she has no one else – literally zero friends or other family willing to talk with or help her.

But then last year, because I failed to return her call during the single hour I was in church for a special Mother’s Day service (oh, the irony), she left me more than a half-dozen increasingly hostile and abusive voicemails.

I called her back and told her that we were done.

I then wrote her a long letter explaining why I was ending my relationship with her, and that the only way I would ever reconcile with her is if she agreed to see a psychiatrist (she has always refused any mental health consultation or treatment).

I then blocked her on my phone, so I don’t see her calls, but she can still leave voicemails. Since then, she regularly leaves long, rambling voicemails to me that are self-aggrandizing and verbally abusive.

I have never returned any of these calls, but listening to the messages makes me feel awful.

I am tempted to change my phone number, but part of me feels terrible about leaving this frail, bitter, lonely and often sick old woman without any outlet at all. My therapist says that I’ve fulfilled my obligation to my mother many times over and I can just let her go without guilt.

I truly have no desire to have a relationship with her, but the guilt and sadness remain.

I welcome your advice.

– Unmothered

Dear Unmothered: 

I don’t want to second-guess your therapist (I am not a therapist), but if we humans could simply let go of traumatic or problematic family relationships without guilt, then we wouldn’t have a need for therapy, scripture, poetry, Joni Mitchell’s music, or occasional sessions of simply seeking commiseration for our sadness and frustration.

I think it is vital to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings and to accept this very challenging situation as an almost inevitable consequence of a lifetime of being pulled back and forth by an unstable mother who has untreated mental illness.

Your compassion toward your mother is revealed in your narrative, so you should work toward staying in an attitude of compassion, mainly toward yourself for the choices you’ve been forced to make – but also toward your mother.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from a mentally ill mother to a widow’s relationship and a disagreeable grandmother. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. 

© 2023 by Amy Dickinson

Click here to read more Ask Amy columns curated for a baby boomer audience.