Lifestyle Are Mother’s Check-In Expectations Unreasonable? 8/14/2023 | By Amy Dickinson A mother and her grown daughter have very different check-in expectations. The anxious mom wants frequent assurance that her daughter is fine – is she asking too much? See what advice columnist Amy Dickinson says. Dear Amy: My sister, 60, and her daughter (28) are having a dispute. My niece went to grad school in another country and has opted to stay for a few more years. Everyone is happy, but being a young single woman far away (five hour time difference), her mom is constantly worrying about her. She’s made a few visits to see her and my niece gets back home often. However, my sister feels it’s rude of my niece not to respond to texts from her. She believes it’s not too much to ask my niece for a daily text to make sure she’s all right (alive) – she’d be thrilled with just a return emoji – thumbs up. My niece believes that touching base two or three times a week is enough. This is causing a rift. Also, it hurts her that her daughter wouldn’t want to know that her own mother is alive and well, too. Any thoughts on how to proceed? – Uncle Who Cares (I live far away, too) Dear Uncle: Back in the day, if you wanted to check in with an overseas relative, you would wait for that tissue-paper airmail letter to land in your mailbox. Or you would have an expensive weekly call to catch up. My point is that with the ability to be in constant contact, people seem to have lost the capacity to manage their own anxieties. Your niece is not serving in a war zone, and the mother’s check-in expectations seem unreasonable. Constantly worrying about whether a 28-year-old woman is alive seems excessive, as is expecting this daughter to worry every day about whether her mother is alive. However – because this dynamic does exist, yes I do agree that the daughter should acknowledge her mother’s daily texts. Reader response to the check-in expectations Dear Amy: “Uncle Who Cares” thought his overseas niece should respond to her mother’s daily texts. Those two or three seconds that it takes for the daughter to respond to her mother means the difference between mom going about her day without the added anxiety of worrying so much about her daughter. As a daughter who’s recently lost their mother, I would gladly spend those few seconds to make her day better, if I could. – Grieving Daughter Dear Daughter: Absolutely. In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from check-in expectations to concerned neighbors to when a mom feels excluded. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. © 2023 by Amy Dickinson Click here to read more Ask Amy columns curated for a baby boomer audience. Read More Amy Dickinson