A recovered alcoholic’s partner doesn’t share her sober husband’s newfound joy. Meanwhile, the husband acknowledges the troubles he caused and wants his wife to be happy. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Post updated on June 27, 2025, with reply from an empathetic reader.
Dear Eric:
I am a married man in my 60s and a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for eight months. Prior to rehab I put my wonderful wife through hell for years. Not physically, but emotionally with my constant drunkenness. I am now in a great place, feeling and looking as good as ever, engaged and productive.
Unfortunately, my wife is stuck in a funk. She is happy for me, but it hasn’t resulted in her own happiness. I have suggested therapy and Al-Anon and she agrees but doesn’t act on it. I am encouraging her but I am also on eggshells because I caused the problem in the first place and don’t want to push too hard. What to do?
– Husband on Eggshells
Dear Husband:
There’s a saying that some people in recovery communities use: time takes time. Just as it took the time it’s taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world.
Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you’re changing for the better, there’s probably a lot of old trauma that’s coming up for your wife right now and maybe that’s making it hard for her to find a path to happiness.
The best thing that you can do right now is to continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what’s going on with you, with her, and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions.
Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey.
Transformation didn’t happen overnight for you, and it won’t happen overnight for her. In short, give her time.
Reader reply regarding recovered alcoholic’s partner
Dear Eric:
In response to the husband, eight months sober and describing himself as a recovering alcoholic, who was asking about his wife’s continuing funk, (“Tired of Walking on Eggshells”) I offer my own personal experience.
My husband spent about 10 years in the throes of an addiction to street drugs, with periods of sobriety sometimes lasting more than eight months. He has been sober now for nearly 10 years and something that I have noticed, that may be true for the couple described in the column, is that I remember a lot more of his addiction than he does. I have a clearer and more accurate recall of the danger, the lying, the fear, the relapses, the stealing.
It was a LOT of work, so I’m also resentful.
If I’m being perfectly honest, sometimes I feel almost jealous that my husband could be so irresponsible for all those years, and have his redemption narrative, and come into his own full thriving and bright future. Me? There are just stories of keeping everyone alive and housed, thanklessly and often while getting yelled at, that would do more harm than good to share, no celebration, no self-actualization, just the end of a crisis that wasn’t my making. I was in a funk for a couple of years, probably. It takes personal therapy, and a lot of it, to find real joy in my own husband’s recovery. And to let go of the kind of vigilance I needed for so many years, simply to keep him alive.
– Been There
Dear Been There:
This is a very helpful and insightful perspective. I’m glad that you’ve been able to navigate the complex emotions that arose for you after your husband got sober. This letter is a good reminder that when one person in a family changes, it changes the whole unit. But it doesn’t change the past. Each member of the unit is going to have a different relationship to that past. We have to be responsible for our own feelings, as you’ve been, but, as some recovery communities say, time takes time.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Check out more wisdom in Seniors Guide, like patience for a recovered alcoholic’s partner, including fear of uncertainty, a nosy friend, and disrespectful cemetery staff.