Friends with Illnesses: How to Show Support

Thanks to technology, keeping in touch with the friends is simpler than ever. But, even with long-distance options like FaceTime, text messages, and email, it is difficult to know what to say and do and how much contact is enough or too much.

“Hearing that a friend has cancer can be jarring,” writes Lisa Fields for the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center blog. “You may immediately shift into supportive mode, ready to hear about their feelings or drive them to doctor’s appointments. Or you may be taken aback, unsure what to say or do.”

But rest assured, your presence matters. “Friendships can give someone with cancer a sense of stability,” adds Fields.

Talking about medical topics, especially for serious illnesses, can be uncomfortable for many people.

“You could say, ‘Sorry, I’m not really good at hospitals,’ and that encapsulates the whole medical thing, ‘but I can text you to see how you’re doing,’” suggests Bronwen Jones, interfaith chaplain for the Cedars-Sinai Samuel Oschin Cancer Center.

A number of cancer treatment and research centers have web pages containing useful advice for family and friends of cancer patients. Here are some tips I’ve learned.

Tips to help you support friends with illnesses

Ask before you visit

Whether visiting someone at home or in the hospital, ask them when – and if – they’re up for visitors, advise Meredith Cammarata and Liz Blackler, social workers at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

Because we live far from our friends fighting cancer, my husband and I give them plenty of notice when we will be in town. We let them suggest dates and times for a get-together corresponding to their treatment calendar. Also, they know what time of day they feel up to having visitors, so we adjust our schedule accordingly.

If you live near friends with illnesses, be conscious of their schedule, not yours, so you all get the most out of the visit. For some this might be a half-hour; others might want you to stay all day and give their regular caretaker a break.

Consider your conversations

People often hesitate to talk about difficult topics, including a medical diagnosis or treatment. This can be true for the patient and their friends and family. Senior social work counselor Malory Lee of the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center suggests taking the lead from the patient as to what topics they want to discuss. “If a person is uncomfortable sharing or talking about certain things, or if they don’t want to, respect their wishes,” she says.

But if your friends with illnesses are open to discussing a range of topics, those conversations can be helpful to you both.

“People often feel uncomfortable talking to a loved one with a serious illness, but it’s important to express your genuine feelings to that person rather than taking the byroad and avoiding the conversation,” says Sheehan D. Fisher, PhD, a psychologist at Northwestern Medicine.

The medical experts at Northwestern have other suggestions for things to say and not to say to someone with a serious diagnosis.

Helpful statements to support friends with illnesses can include:

• “I don’t know exactly what to say, but please know how much I care.”
• “What can I do for you?”
• “I’m always here if you ever want to talk.”
• “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

On the other hand, unhelpful statements include:

• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “When (fill in the blank) had this diagnosis, (fill in the blank) happened.”
• “You’re so brave” or “You are so strong.”
• “You look different.”
• “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
• Don’t ask questions or make statements about time for someone with a terminal illness, unless the person takes the lead.
• “This was God’s plan,” or “God will take care of it.”

Give appropriate gifts

Some people like to show affection for friends by giving gifts. A person with a serious illness will certainly appreciate your thoughtfulness. However, keep in mind that they may not be able to eat certain foods like sweets or spicy soups. The smell of flowers, perfumes, and lotions might make them feel nauseous.

Books, magazines, movies, or puzzles may be welcome distractions during chemotherapy, say Cammarata and Blackler. Other welcome gifts these social workers have seen include a gift certificate for a home cleaning service and a personalized book from friends, filled with pictures, funny memories, and inspirational quotes.

Stay in touch

Several years ago, when I was hospitalized with a heart issue, my niece called the day I got home. After we talked briefly, she asked about my follow-up appointment with my doctor. She must have written a note on her calendar because six weeks later, she texted me to check in and see how the appointment went. I was amazed at her thoughtfulness.

Offers of help often “flood in at the beginning of the diagnosis and then it begins to trickle,” says Cammarata. “It’s important to remember that the help is not just needed when they’re first diagnosed or in the hospital.”

Set reminders to send short text messages, emojis, or photos to your friend on significant days or on any day – just to say you’re thinking about them.

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