A Godmother Regrets Losing Touch

I was young, immature and did not think through the responsibilities, but agreed.

I never should have. Aside from some brief babysitting and being present at the formal Catholic baptism, I haven’t had much contact with the child. The college friend married the baby’s father and they have had what seems to be a happy, prosperous family life.

After getting married a few years later, my husband and I moved to another state. The friend and I have not been in touch except for exchanging Christmas cards.

Every year she sends a Christmas card with a brief note highlighting family news.

I feel bad that I failed in my duties as a godparent and would like to send an apology letter, saying it is long overdue, that I am sincerely sorry for letting the family down and for the hurt I am sure they feel.

I am not looking for forgiveness from them or to try to establish a deeper relationship. I just want to admit my failure and to apologize, and let it go at that. I’d prefer to let the relationship go.

Is this advisable? Or is there some reason I should just leave things as they are?

I don’t want to make things worse or cause more harm.

– Wondering Godmother

Dear Wondering Godmother: 

My instinct is that your embarrassment over this has caused you to inflate the impact of your neglect onto this family. Some godparents take the role very seriously; many don’t.

You were close to this family for a while, and then your paths diverged.

To a large extent, the child’s parents dictate how the godparent relationship will proceed, by inviting, including, and paving the way toward their own expectations.

To answer your question, yes – you could get in touch and acknowledge that this has been on your heart, but don’t inflate the impact of your failure.

You could write something like, “I really regret that I wasn’t a more involved godmother; looking back I certainly wish I had stepped up. I wish I’d been the godparent your child deserved to have, and I’m sorry I wasn’t.”

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from godmother regrets to grave decisions and hosting a party for a dying friend. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

© 2023 by Amy Dickinson

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