Should She Reveal Their Father’s Affair?

My late-husband had a significant indiscretion about 10 years into our 35-year marriage. We stayed together and in fact, I was his caregiver for over 10 years, until he died of ALS.

I never told anyone about his extramarital affair because I thought it would complicate a messy matter unnecessarily.

After his affair, I think I gained confidence, even though he became increasingly difficult to communicate with about daily activities, our children, and issues in our relationship.

I would like my grown children to better understand both their father and me. I am struggling with telling them about their father’s affair since he isn’t here to explain himself, and I’m wondering about the costs/benefits of revealing such a long-ago truth.

My children are now married with children of their own, and they do ask questions about their father that could be better answered if they knew about his affair.

I know they would be very disappointed to learn about their father’s affair. After many years of debating the pros/cons of telling my kids, I am tired of being conflicted about it. When I decided to “get over it” and stay in the marriage, I would never have imagined the consequences would persist over a lifetime.

Any thoughts you have that might shift my thinking would be appreciated.

Still Conflicted

Dear Conflicted:

You state that your children “ask questions about their father that could be better answered if they knew about their father’s affair.”

Unless you are leaving out important details, the broad strokes of your long marriage seem to paint a portrait of human frailty, forgiveness, and stalwart caregiving.

In my view, every married person should be told a story about a relationship healing from infidelity – because many do heal. And any adult child would benefit from understanding that their parents made mistakes, or even emotionally wounded one another, but also made positive choices in order to stay together.

“Family” is not a designation meant only for people whose lives seem to flow in a slow and perfect current. Families are made – and sometimes made stronger – through trials, tribulation, recognizing human frailty, and – when tested – choosing love and loyalty.

Describing your very long marriage in these terms might inspire your children to learn from your story, even though they might at first be shocked or disappointed.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from revealing a father’s affair to grandparenting to DNA surprises. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. 

© 2021 by Amy Dickinson

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