Saying No to Grandkids

It wasn’t that my husband delegated all the child-rearing responsibilities exclusively to me; he worked longer hours with an added three-hour commute, and he often wasn’t physically present when the requests came flooding in. When they did ask his permission to do something, he usually wisely responded, “Did your mother already say no?”

Our offspring have been out of the house for many years, and three of the four have families of their own. I gleefully relinquished the role of bad guy to my children and their spouses.

But, in a twist I really didn’t plan for, the grandkids are old enough now (ages 5 through 11) to spend time alone with their grandpa and me, and we sometimes find ourselves back in that uncomfortable position. While it’s easy to say yes to an extra cookie or bedtime story, it’s much harder when they are asking for things that are against their parents’ rules, can be costly, may be unsafe, or are physically challenging for us.

A grandparents’ website, The Gaga Sisterhood, agrees, “It’s not in our nature to say ‘no.’ After all, who likes to hear that? Not our grandkids for sure.”

What hasn’t changed over the years is the disappointment or anger kids experience when faced with a no. But, something my husband and I learned that still holds true, is that their resentment doesn’t last forever. And, we have the added option of saying they can always head back home if they are not happy.

“Some say that the first word a child recognizes is the word no,” says a website for women over 50, Honey Good. “I don’t think anyone, grandchild or adult, likes the word. Unfortunately, there are some extenuating circumstances, though, when I do advise a grandmother to ‘just say no.’”

Saying no to grandkids: considerations in answer their requests

1. Respecting the parents’ rules

Today’s parents face more challenges than older generations of parents did. Technologies like the internet and cell phones have many dangers attached. If parents restrict their child’s tablet time, mobile phone use, or even television watching, it is imperative for grandparents to reinforce those rules. Some parents also have strict dietary restrictions when it comes to eating too much sugar or drinking soda. Even if you don’t see the harm in serving these things, respect the parents’ wishes or ask for special permission beforehand.

2. Enforcing your own rules

I was surprised recently when I bought a new sectional sofa and my older grandchildren promptly started jumping over the back and the little ones began walking on the cushions. The youngest sat down on it in his wet bathing suit. They all seemed surprised when I told them we don’t treat our furniture that way. I restrict them from playing on the computer in my office, and we have rules about picking up toys and cleaning up after dinner. They may not follow the same rules at home, but they do at grandma’s house.

3. Explaining your no

Often there are things the grandchildren, especially the little ones, ask for that we can’t provide. My 6-year-old grandson asked me to buy a home closer to the ocean (we are a half mile away) because then he could swim as soon as he arrives. They have asked for things like trips to Disney World, expensive clothing, and even pets. Kids are kids and don’t often know these things are very expensive or not practical. Explain in simple terms why you are turning down the request and move on to something more doable.

4. Know your physical limitations

Kids love to share their favorite activities with grandma and grandpa. Recently my grandkids asked me to climb up a 30-foot water slide at their favorite water park. This is not something I could or would want to do. There are grandparents who can’t walk long distances or prefer not to eat certain foods. Sometimes we can’t change our schedule to accommodate a grandchild’s activity. Always thank your grandchildren for including you in their plans, but know you can politely decline or suggest alternatives.

5. Safety first

My daughter and daughters-in-law laugh at me sometimes for what they say are my extreme reactions in everyday situations. However, if I see a child about to topple a lamp, fall off a swing, or run in the street, I will react quickly and loudly with a “NO.” Always put your grandchildren’s safety first and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

Even though sometimes you must tell them no, remember that your grandchildren will be thankful later for the time you spent together when they were growing up.

Related: Engaging with Grandkids in the Kitchen